When prayer is not enough

#PrayForParis

#PrayForBrussels

#PrayForCharleston

#PrayForJapan

#PrayForSandyHook

#PrayForKenya

#PrayForMH360 (Malaysia Airlines flight that went missing)

#PrayForSanBernadino

And now... #PrayForOrlando

Don't get me wrong. I understand that there's violence and tragedy everywhere, every day. And every instance of senseless violence, death and tragedy and the people impacted deserve our compassion and prayers. And there are certain events or situations that are more egregious than others, that require us as humans to put forth a little extra in our prayers.

But the truth of the matter is that mass shootings in the United States, and terror attacks globally, have become so commonplace that it's hard to keep up.

We've become almost immune to school shootings, whether they're at high schools or colleges/universities. Instead of shock and horror, we almost shrug our shoulders and wonder what bullied (usually) boy/man was pushed over the edge? How could his family/friends/loved ones not see what was happening? We condemn the shooter, of course, and mourn his victims. But we also give lip service to the issue of mental health and how mental health disorders and treatments need to be destigmatized. I won't go into the racial aspect of this... the majority of these mass shootings are perpetrated by white men and are almost never tagged officially as acts of terror, whereas official acts of terror are typically attributed to a person of color and even then, it's their victims who will determine how outraged we are by the act. Paris and Brussels and of course, NYC? Immediate global outrage. Anywhere in the Middle East or Africa? Barely a blip on the scroll at the bottom of our TVs that it even happened... but I digress.

ALL this shit is terrorism. Every act of violence or intimidation is terrorism. When there's a victim, there is terrorism. Stalkers are terrorists. Rapists are terrorists! Even when the rapist is packaged as a white, All-American athlete. Rape is not sex, and it's not “action”. It is an act of terror. Don't believe me? Ask anyone who's been raped, why they're afraid to go out alone, or at all. Why they have extra locks on their windows and doors. Why they have a moment of anxiety every time a man touches them. But I digress again, my apologies.

Do we need to pray for those who find themselves in places like Paris or Brussels (or Kabul or Somalia or Nigeria or...) when attacks are carried out? Of course we do. But we can't just care after the fact. We have to come together in peace and love, and pray before we're putting people in the ground. We have to pray for everyone... including the ones who are planning these attacks because they need it the most. They've given in to hatred and despair. We have to pray for people who are masquerading as leaders or would-be leaders, and the people who support them. We have to pray that love and sense can overcome the fear and ignorance. People who still scream that Obama's coming to take their guns, as +50 funerals are being planned in Orlando.... as the streets of Chicago become more dangerous.... We have to pray that people like Donald Trump who, regardless of how you may feel about him, has a platform that he can use to continue to fan the flames of hate and ignorance like he has been, or he can use it to try to acknowledge the differences between us while searching for ways to unite us, like President Obama has done and continues to do.

This is a scary world, and it gets scarier every day. Prayer is great. Please pray, every day, for all of us. And when you're done praying, get up, get out and DO something that will reflect what you've been praying for.

Prince

I was born in 1970 and came of age in the 80s and 90s. There have been many influential musicians along the way, but only a handful (IMO) truly elevate to ICON level. For me, the musical icons I grew up with include Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and Prince. All of whom are now gone.

When Michael died, I felt like a piece of me had died too. When Whitney died, the way she died, those last few years of her life… that one hit me hard as well. When I first heard what were just rumors of Prince’s passing, and then as it was confirmed, I was shocked. Again, death came seemingly out of nowhere and took a man that was just so… bigger than life.

All my life, people have compared the greatness Michael Jackson and Prince. Who’s better? Who would you pick? I can’t tell you how many MJ vs Prince dance parties I’ve been to. And the thing is, no matter which side you came down on, you also had to admit that the “loser” was fucking amazing too. Me? I was always an MJ girl. When he passed, I cried. Hard.

When it was clear that the rumors were true and we lost Prince, as I said, I was shocked. My immediate reaction was that we’d lost a true icon. Words cannot describe the mastery of his musicianship, creativity and showmanship. I started thinking about all of his music and the artists that he had worked with, mentored, promoted, wrote for, played for. My God. He was greater that I’d even imagined.

Then I started reading the reactions of some of Prince’s super fans. The ways in which his music and his words had not only spoke to them, but the countless ways in which Prince had truly affected them. Made them into the people they were today.

While I can certainly agree that his music is great, I have to also admit that it never spoke to me the way Michael’s did. Or Whitney’s. I didn’t feel that sudden ache and emptiness the way I had when I’d heard of MJ’s and then Whitney’s deaths. I didn’t feel that sense of loss at the news of Prince’s death. And I have to wonder… am I better off not having that connection to Prince, to avoid the pain that so many millions of others are feeling across the globe… OR, am I doubly-damned for losing someone and something I had not even learned to REALLY appreciate?

My thoughts and condolences to Prince’s family, friends, loved ones and to all of his true fans whose lives have been altered forever.

An Open Letter to Skinny People

I was working out at the gym tonight. My second consecutive day at the gym after a hiatus of I don't know how many months. Last night and tonight both were low key workouts... 20 minutes on the treadmill and some stretching to remind my body what it feels like to be active. I know I can do better, but it was something. And it was a LOT more than I've been doing for a long ass time. I was, no I AM, proud of myself for every positive choice and step I take.

The treadmill directly to my left was not being used, but the next two were being used by two girlfriends who were already seemingly in shape. They were moderately thin, not super skinny but not thick either. Average, I guess. The treadmill to their left was empty, but the next one down was being used by a woman who was significantly overweight. She wasn't walking terribly fast, or at a high incline. But she was walking. She was doing something.

The skinny girls though... they didn't appreciate her efforts the way I did, or the way I hope she appreciated her own efforts. They were laughing at her, judging her. Their comments were loud enough for me to hear them over the music blaring in my own ears from my iPod, so I am sure she heard them too. Comments like "she's never going to lose weight if she doesn't move her fat ass faster than that". Comments like "how in the hell does a bitch let herself get that fucking fat". Comments like "I sure hope that maintenance is scheduled for that machine tomorrow".

After finishing my own slow return to gym life, walking back to the women's locker room, I saw the woman's face and tried to make eye contact with her, just to smile and try to give her a little encouragement. She was focused though, staring straight ahead. No emotion. And I recognized that look.

See, here's the thing. People who have never been big will never know what that is. Whatever the meanest thing is that you can think of to say to us, we've said things 100 times worse to ourselves. Even so, every single cruel comment cuts us, but on the inside, where you can't see us bleed. You see, we hear it. All of it. And we get very good at pretending we don't. We plaster on a smile whenever we can, and when we can't manage that, we simply look straight ahead showing no emotion whatsoever. We won't give you the satisfaction of knowing that your words hurt.

Here's the thing though... those words do hurt. They say "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." That's a lie. When we're alone, your cruel words play over and over and over in our head. And we build on them. We are harder on ourselves than you could ever be. And we punish ourselves with more food. Because that ice cream, or that cupcake, or those chips.... see, they become our friends. They accept us. They show us "love" by tasting good. They are the hug we need, even though we know we shouldn't.

And here's another thing. Women are so much more cruel to overweight women than men are. I have been fat my entire life. As an adult though, I've tried over and over to "get healthy". I have been approached in gyms as well as in the park when I was working out with a personal trainer, by guys offering words of encouragement. But I've seen the looks and heard comments from women, directed at me, that were cruel. Thankfully not as cruel as what was said about the woman tonight. But I've seen the snickers and heard the laughs.

At the end of the day, for me, to be completely honest, I don't give a single fuck about what anyone thinks. I'm at the gym for ME. But I ask everyone, whether skinny or average, man or woman. Be kind. It doesn't cost anything, and showing compassion for someone else isn't going to dull your shine. It will actually make you shine brighter. Fat people have feelings, and they hurt as easily as yours do. You don't have to like us. But you don't have to hate us, and you don't have to be cruel either.

No rape? No winners.

On January 7, 2016, an absolutely horrific story hit the wire. An 18 year old girl was gang raped by five teenagers in a Brownsville (Brooklyn) playground. Some initial reports indicated she was walking near the playground with a male friend. It turned out that the man she was with was her father. The five boys accused of the crime had a gun and threatened him. The man ran to a nearby store begging for help, but no one assisted. By the time he was able to call the police, the woman had been gang raped repeatedly, and all five boys had fled the scene.

Everyone reacted immediately. Two of the suspects' parents were the ones who turned their sons in. Eventually all five suspects were identified by the press: their names and photos were circulated widely, despite the fact that all five of the suspects were minors, ranging in age from 14 to 17. They were arrested and charged as adults.

The immediate reaction was understandable. People were shocked and outraged at the brutal nature of the reported crimes. Everyone from Mayor Bill de Blasio to Commissioner Bill Bratton to local community leaders to Twitter and Facebook erupted. Most of the reaction was in support of the girl who had been attacked, and how these kinds of attacks must be prevented.

I, myself, remember reacting to the story. I too was horrified at the brutality of the attack. But I also believe that people are supposed to be innocent until proven guilty. I remember well a similar situation many years ago when five teenagers were accused of gang raping a woman in Central Park. They were coerced and tricked into confessing and rushed through legal proceedings. They too, despite their ages, were tried as adults and convicted. And they were innocent. Known collectively as the Central Park Five, they are a tragic example of what happens when “we” jump to conclusions and rush to judgment.

Over the next couple of weeks, additional details were quietly coming out. The girl and her father weren't walking near the playground as originally reported. They were actually (allegedly) having sex when the five teens approached them. The father left, and the girl consented to sex with all five boys. The girl allegedly recanted her story of being raped. Despite the report of a gun, the police were unable to find a gun on any of the suspects or in their homes. There was allegedly video taken with a cell phone, showing the girl with the suspects before the alleged attack, as well as showing her having consensual sex with all five boys.

Today, the Brooklyn District Attorney announced that all charges have been dropped against all five boys. Rationale for the action included a lack of evidence, the girl's recantation of the allegations of forced sexual contact and her refusal to cooperate with the investigation. In addition, an investigation into the alleged sexual contact with her father was dropped because she refused cooperation with police in that matter, too. Defense attorneys, of course, retain that charges were dropped because their clients are INNOCENT, not because of a lack of evidence and lack of a participating complainant. https://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20160224/brownsville/rape-charges-dropped-against-5-teens-accused-of-attack-brownsville-park

No one “wins” here. These five boys escaped the fate of the Central Park Five boys. They didn't have to serve a single day of a prison sentence. They did not have to register on any sex offender list. But they aren't unscathed either. Their names and faces are now associated with a heinous sex attack allegation. For the rest of their lives, when their names are typed into a Google search, THIS will come up. At 14, 15 and 17 years of age, when they apply for college or a job or an apartment, THIS will come up. This can follow them for the rest. of. their. Lives.

The girl who was allegedly attacked doesn't win. Whether her behavior was consensual or not, she was most definitely sexually abused. Sex with her father? That was absolutely abuse! I can't help but wonder when it started... Which adult in her life, who was supposed to take care of her, put her on this path of abuse? How much abuse had she already endured that she would have sex with her father, and then let these five boys line up to take turns? How much more abuse will she endure before she hits rock bottom? Because no matter what may happen in the future, with or without her consent, she has a label attached to her.

And women who are sexually assaulted might be the biggest losers of all. As it is, even under the best of circumstances (if you can call them that), when a woman says that she was sexually assaulted, there are a lot of people who roll their eyes and dismiss her allegation as a lie. They will say that she had sex with her attacker, and then either changed her mind or he didn't call her and now she's “crying rape”. She will have every aspect of her life looked at under a microscope. How does she dress? How many dates does she go on? How many men has she been intimate with... ever? In her whole life? That many? My God, what a whore! Did she have any alcohol? Was she dancing provocatively with him? Flirting? Did she really say no?

Every single time a sexual assault is alleged, when no such attack took place, it makes it that much harder for the next woman who is actually assaulted to come forward. It gives people that much more “reason” to question the next woman who says she was forced. To not believe her. To assume she's lying. To side against her.

I am relieved that if these young men did not force this girl to engage in sexual activity, that they will not suffer the same fate as the Central Park Five and any other man who has been falsely accused and convicted of sexual assault. But there are no winners here. 

10 Reasons Not To Leave New York City, Debunked!

I love NYC. I really love NYC. Even on the days when I hate it, I love it. I love it so much that after spending all of 5 days here in 2007, I immediately went home to Green Bay, pounded the virtual pavement until I found a job, put in my notice at work and to my landlord, packed 2 suitcases, bought a laptop and moved here. I didn’t know a soul. I relied on craigslist to find housing. It was sink or swim, and I was bound and determined to swim. And 8 years later, I’m still here.

But I gotta be real… there are days when I think I’ve had enough, and give serious consideration to leaving this bedlam that people think is actually "reality". Especially when I read these ridiculous lists of why no one in NYC ever needs to go anywhere, ever (http://www.timeout.com/newyork/blog/ten-reasons-not-to-leave-new-york-ever). For every BS reason you have to stay, I can give you reasons to go.

1. You’ll need a car
Not necessarily. NYC is not the ONLY city in the US, let alone the world, with functional public transportation. And speaking of functional, when is the last time anyone had a full day of commuting and running errands where there weren’t service disruptions, delays and outright fuckery, courtesy of the MTA?  

2. Bagels will be severely disappointing
As with pizza, REAL bagels are getting harder and harder to find, depending where you live and/or work. People say they’ll pay more for a good slice or a great bagel, but if it’s more than $1 or 2 (for just the bagel), they are griping about it. As a result, most of the bodegas have resorted to a smaller, crappier, cardboard-tasting bagel wanna-be, that is equivalent to the Lender's bagel you can get in the freezer aisle at most supermarkets... anywhere.

3. 24-hour food to your doorstep
Again, you’re talking about a very limited piece of geography within Manhattan. If you’re living in the Bronx or further out in Brooklyn (which you might be if you want to be able to actually afford rent), you’ll be lucky to have a handful of options on Seamless, and even those options are typically crappy Chinese food or crappy pizza places. One might think that a more lean offering for food delivery would prompt you to stay home and cook. The only thing is, is that Peapod grocery delivery service, nor Fresh Direct, will deliver to you. The selection for supermarkets in these areas is awful at best. Good luck finding decent fresh meat and produce. In MOST areas, if you want good food, you’re gonna need to get dressed and go get it and if you want decent groceries, you're going to need to travel to get that as well.

4. The summer
If you like stifling hot and disgustingly humid, yeah, you will love summer. But there’s even more people jammed into the City with tourists, huge concert events/festivals, etc. All the cars and traffic (because despite “not needing a car” according to #1, there’s millions of cars and trucks and buses everywhere all the time). Motorcycle clubs galore go revving up and down streets at all hours of the day and night. And who can forget the stench of rotting garbage every single day, no matter where you go.

5. Your dating pool will shrink dramatically
Here’s a newsflash: yes there’s millions of people in NYC but they are the same kind of people you find anywhere, only worse. If you’re someone who’s of the belief that the Man should “take care of things” (i.e., pay for everything on dates plus help the woman with her rent or utilities or groceries or whatever), good luck. The number of men who can actually afford that shit is very small and really picky about who they’ll date (you better be, or look like you could be, a model). If you’re more independent and don’t have a problem picking up the tab (from time to time), get ready to be a Sugar Mama because dudes get used to that mad quick. Dating will turn into either chilling at your place or you footing the bill if you want to go out. That’s not to say there aren’t successful dating experiences. But with the bigger pool of possibilities comes the reality of having to wade through more shit to find what you’re looking for. And still having a very real possibility of “settling” because the search has exhausted you.

6. All the entertainment you could ever want
Ok, so this one is really on point. I can’t lie, and don’t even what to. THIS is, in all honesty, what probably still keeps me from washing my hands of NYC and moving on. It doesn’t matter what you find entertaining, NYC has it. Every day. Without fail. All you have to do is go. The problem? Of course, it’s the price tag. After paying rent and bills and making sure you have food and toilet paper, there’s usually not a lot left to relegate to your entertainment fund. So even though there’s a zillion (literally) things you’ll want to do, you very likely won’t be able to afford to do them. So although this is totally true…. in the end, it’s more of a tease since the entertainment options are there and you can’t take advantage.

7. You’ll actually have to plan how you’ll get home from a night out
Please. Uber and Lyft has made transportation extremely accessible. And unless you’re in Mayberry, you can always call a cab. You will have to call, though, because most cities do not pick of fares off the street. PLUS, let’s go back to #1. Everyone has a car. And as I am aging, going out and getting hammered isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. A lot of bars will let a Designated Driver drink non-alcoholic beverages at no cost, which in my circles, means there’s a fight to be the DD.  Getting home? No problem.

8. The job market might be cutthroat here, but at least there are options
Where? You are mostly as trapped here as you are anywhere. Why? Because no one is looking to take a pay cut… ever. Hate your industry and want to reinvent yourself? You can ABSOLUTELY do that here. But, at least in the short term, that’s going to mean taking a pay cut from whatever you’re doing now. If you have rent, or kids, or both, that’s not always possible.

9. The food just won’t taste as good
Such bullshit. Yes, there are a lot of great dining options here. All the famous chefs want to add NYC as a notch on their belts. But let’s again be honest. The average Joe (or Jane) can’t afford $500 on a dinner, on a regular basis. And even if we could, to think that there are not some really fantastic, exciting and delicious culinary offerings all over the country, all over the world is just closed-minded idiocy.

10. Zombies!
Um… yeah. Try walking through Times Square or Grand Central or Central Park or 5^th Ave or any host of areas and you will find that you have to weave your way through an obstacle course of zombies who are completely oblivious to anything other than their phone/tablet/gaming device.

With all that said, let someone come up with a list of 10 reasons to leave NYC and never return, and I will shred that list too. At the end of the day, NYC is like that boyfriend (or girlfriend) that you love and hate all at the same time. GOD, you want to break up, once and for all, and kick that bum to the curb. And just when you have your boots on and you’re ready to do it, something happens and you fall in love all over again. Ahhhh, New York City... where love and hate collide.

Scarier than Donald Trump

When Donald Trump first announced his intention to seek the nomination of the Republican party for the office of the President of the United States, I thought it was a joke. Who could actually take him as a serious candidate? Then, I had to step back and assess the situation. At that time, it was widely believed that Jeb Bush was the front runner for the nomination. There is still a little (although I can't believe HOW little) bit of stink on the Bush name due to George W.'s tenure as POTUS. I dismissed Trump as a distraction to benefit Jeb's campaign. I mean, in comparison to Trump, wouldn't Jeb be the more reasonable choice?

Then, the GOP turned into a straight up circus, with countless clowns tossing their big, red noses into the mix. And although the messages behind both individual and collective are clearly anti-Obama, it's more than that. The GOP as a whole looks and sounds like Hitler's Nazis. From the assertion that America can be “great again” if we slam the doors shut on refugees, and build walls to keep new immigrants out, and deporting immigrants already here (at least the ones we don't imprison); from quietly stripping away voting rights from the poor and the non-Caucasian segments of society to building our military invasion and occupation across the globe. This is a horrifying time.

And although my initial belief that Trump was meant to be a distraction to clear the way for Jeb was apparently wrong, he is a distraction that is quietly clearing the way for Ted Cruz. And this is more frightening than I think anyone realizes. Let's take a look at Ted Cruz:

• Staunchly anti-abortion. Though not the most extreme of the GOP hopefuls, Cruz at least believes that an abortion could be allowed in the event that the mother's life is at risk. I guess a woman, relegated back into dirty alleys and filthy hotel rooms being scraped out by whatever unsanitary tool is handy, I guess that doesn't equate to putting her life at risk.
• Despite his assertion that he's “pro-life”, Cruz is a big fan of capital punishment. He was actually quoted in Politico that he “believe(s) the death penalty is a recognition of the preciousness of human life.” Um....
• In line with his clear appreciation for the sanctity of life, Cruz is, of course, pro-gun and against anything that even sounds like gun control AND he wants to repeal Obamacare, stripping access to health insurance away from millions.

And honestly, that's not even the scariest part. Cruz is the candidate of hate and intolerance. He blames immigrants, minority groups and Muslims for everything he sees as “wrong” in America. Whereas we cannot label all gun owners as a lot of violent murders, yet Cruz has no problem whatsoever labeling all Syrian refugees and Muslims as terrorists. With everything that's going on in the world today, it's understandable that people are afraid. A true leader won't use people's fears against them. He would bring people together, unite us instead of tearing us apart and pitting us against each other. Instead of alienating us from one another, based on differences that in the grand scheme of things don't matter, a true leader will lead with courage.

Ted Cruz is the face of a monster. Be afraid, fellow Americans... be very afraid.

Greg Hardy... Even though it's right, it's wrong

Ever since the video of Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiance, followed quickly by Adrian Peterson and the discipline of his son, domestic violence has been a topic of conversation in the NFL. Ray Rice lost his career as a result of his actions and Peterson lost nearly a full season. Most recently, it's Greg Hardy.

Hardy's case is disturbing, to say the least. He was found guilty of assault and “communicating threats” but somehow he was able to set aside the conviction and opt for a trial jury. This after the victim courageously testified against her attacker, detailing the beating, the choking, the guns. Not surprisingly, and as it happens in too many cases of domestic abuse, she stopped cooperating with the prosecution and charges were dropped. Nonetheless, Hardy had to serve an NFL-imposed suspension.

During his suspension, he was signed to a new contract with the Dallas Cowboys. Many were openly critical of the move by Jerry Jones, but Jerry assured everyone that Hardy was deserving of a second chance, knew he had done wrong and had learned from his mistakes. Immediately upon his return to the Cowboys, following his suspension, he talked big about coming out “guns blazing” and making really creepy remarks about Tom Brady's wife. People everywhere, except Dallas, were outraged.

Now the photos of the woman he assaulted last year have been made public. People everywhere are even further outraged. Hardy's peers, across the league, are openly condemning him. On ESPN's “NFL Countdown” show that aired on November 8^th, reporter Wendi Nix went on the attack (see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/wendi-nix-greg-hardy_563f87ede4b0411d307161a3). One of the comments that she made really infuriated me, and it made me think about a lot of the commentary and rhetoric being thrown around by all the experts. The statement was that people didn't need to see the pictures to know what happened.

BULLSHIT. People are acting like Ray Rice and Greg Hardy are the first and second pro football players to ever hit their girlfriends. The conversation went on to say that Hardy should have had to earn the second chance he was given by the Cowboys. Show some regret, contrition. Show that he's changed his ways. BULLSHIT. Ray Rice did all the things that people say Hardy should have done in order to get a second chance. Where is Rice's second chance? He came out immediately very apologetic, taking full responsibility for his actions, pursuing anger management counseling, etc. It wasn't enough. But then again, he was approaching the end of his career, with his best days behind him. In comparison, Greg Hardy is 27 years old and in his prime. If Rice had a few good, dominating years on the field left in him, you'd see him in someone's uniform.

The truth of the matter is that the NFL is not outraged by the violence. If they were, incidents like Janay Rice and the cocktail waitress who had the snot kicked out of her by Hardy wouldn't have been needed in order to exact change. The only reason that the NFL is taking a hard stand against domestic violence is because the videos and the pictures were public, and it's the public who is demanding the outrage.

And so to all those who are acting so shocked and horrified at Greg Hardy and are sitting in judgment of him, I say this: Get off your high horse and stop being such hypocrites. Unless and until every person involved in the NFL, from coaches and owners and players to journalists and talking heads, current and former and future, unless and until a TRUE Zero Tolerance policy is embraced, you are a part of the problem.