What's next?

Struggling.

It is not lost on me that the vast majority (but not ALL) of folks calling for the nation to step back and give Trump a chance, to stop protesting and allow the country to come together in unity and "heal" are the ones who have, not for a single day, given the same consideration to the man who's occupied the White House for almost 8 years with dignity.

Let's take a look at what we're looking at, potentially, over the next 4 years:

TRUMP - The man who rode a platform promising:

• mass deportations
• identifying Muslims by forcing them to wear patches
• encouraging citizens to spy on each other even when there's been no indication that anyone has done anything "wrong" except for choosing a specific religion
• overturning the Affordable Care Act, leaving millions of people who finally had access to health insurance (shitty as it may be) with nothing
• to "knock the hell" out of anyone who opposes anything he wants
• to provide tax cuts to the super-wealthy who are already paying little to no taxes as it is
• to overturn Roe v. Wade, putting women back at risk of going into dirty alleys and unsanitary hotel rooms in order to continue to make her own decisions about her own body
• to defund Planned Parenthood, which provides free and low-cost health care services, which have nothing to do with abortions, to men and women regardless of their ability to pay
• unquestioned support of Police who shoot unarmed citizens
• to overturn marriage equality at the federal level, returning the decision to individual states and abolishing the spousal benefits to same-sex couples
• to reinstate Stop-and-Frisk at the national level
• to end the efforts to progress green energy and other geared toward climate change since he believes that climate change isn't real
• heavy reliance on Eminent Domain
• to work with RUSSIA on a whole bunch of issues
• to appoint judges in the vein of Antonin Scalia to the SCOTUS, basically fucking the world for the next 10-15 years at least

Now let's look at the names being bantered about as members of his Cabinet:

• Forrest Lucas, a 74-year old oil magnate
• Goldman Sachs alum Steven Mnuchin
• Newt fucking Gingrich
• Rudi Giulani, the man whose name became a household staple after the 9/11 attacks on NYC and Washington DC, yet stood on a stage screaming about how there were no successful terror attacks on US soil before Obama's presidency
• Chris Christie
• Sarah Palin (I'm sure that Russia's just in her back yard is coincidental)

And I am only scratching the surface. The fact that the KKK endorsed him and he didn't immediately and unequivocally denounce the endorsement says it all. How do we believe that he wants to be a President for all US citizens (especially for the "forgotten men and women") when he embraces white supremacists? And he's basically admitting he's not going to be President for immigrants, and is primarily concerned with the people he thinks feel forgotten: white folks.

So why am I struggling? Because as mentioned, there's a huge part of this country's citizens who never accepted Barack Obama as the President of the United States. A Republican-controlled House and Senate who enthusiastically fucked We The People for the last 8 years as long it meant opposing every single effort the President made. I am not sure how those of us who supported Obama during his Presidency would be any different than those who didn't, if we new refuse to acknowledge the incoming President.

At the same time, I don't know how to support a man who embodies everything that I am against. I am scared to death. This man, with a Republican-controlled House and Senate, with multiple vacancies on the Supreme Court... the amount of damage he can do is enormous.

Every time I think about the forthcoming Trump presidency, I flash back to the scene in STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH when Padme watched as Senator Palpatine established the Empire and lamented.... "So, this is how liberty dies... to thunderous applause."

The Kaepernick Controversy

Ramarley Graham, 18 years old, killed by police on February 2, 2012

Sgt. Manuel Loggins Jr., 31 years old, off-duty policeman killed by police on February 7, 2012

Raymond Allen, 34 years old, killed by police on February 27, 2012

Shereece Francis, 30 years old, killed by police on March 15, 2012

Kendrec McDade, 19 years old, killed by police on March 24, 2012

Tamon Robinson, 27 years old, killed by police on April 18, 2012

Reynaldo Cuevas, 20 years old, killed by police on September 7, 2012

Kimani Gray, 16 years old, killed by police on March 9, 2013

Jonathan Ferrell, 24 years old, killed by police on September 14, 2013

Jordan Baker, 26 years old, killed by police on January 16, 2014

Yvette Smith, 47 years old, killed by police on February 16, 2014

Dontre Hamilton, 31 years old, killed by police on April 30, 2014

Eric Garner, 43 years old, killed by police on July 17, 2014

John Crawford III, 22 years old, killed by police on August 5, 2014

Mike Brown, 18 years old, killed by police on August 9, 2014

Ezell Ford, 25 years old, killed by police on August 12. 2014

Kajieme Powell, 25 years old, killed by police on August 19, 2014

Akai Gurley, 28 years old, killed by police on November 20, 2014

Tamir Rice, 12 years old, killed by police on November 22, 2014

Tony Robinson, 19 years old, killed by police on March 6, 2015

Naeschylus Vinzant, 37 years old, killed by police on March 6, 2015

Brandon Jones, 18 years old, killed by police on March 19, 2015

Denzel Brown, 21 years old, killed by police on March 22, 2015

Nicholas Thomas, 23 years old, killed by police on March 24, 2015

Eric Harris, 44 years old, killed by police on April 2, 2015

Walter Scott, 50 years old, killed by police on April 4, 2015

Frank Shepherd III, 41 years old, killed by police on April 15, 2015

Freddie Gray, 25 years old, killed by police on April 19, 2015

William Chapman, 18 years old, killed by police on April 22, 2015

David Felix, 24 years old, killed by police on April 25, 2015

Terrance Kellom, 20 years old, killed by police on April 27, 2015

Brandon Glenn, 29 years old, killed by police on May 6, 2015

De'Angelo Stallworth, 28 years old, killed by police on May 12, 2015

Spencer McCain, 41 years old, killed by police on June 25, 2015

Victo Larosa III, 23 years old, killed by police on July 2, 2015

Albert Davis, 23 years old, killed by police on July 17, 2015

Darius Stewart, 19 years old, killed by police on July 17, 2015

Samuel Dubose, 43 years old, killed by police on July 19, 2015

Christian Taylor, 19 years old, killed by police on August 7, 2015

Keith McLeod. 19 years old, killed by police on September 23, 2015

Junior Prosper, 31 years old, killed by police on September 28, 2015

Paterson Brown, 18 years old, killed by police on October 17, 2015

Anthony Ashford, 29 years old, killed by police on October 27, 2015

Jamar Clark, 24 years old, killed by police on November 15, 2015

Cornelius Brown, 25 years old, killed by police on November 18, 2015

Bettie Jones, 55 years old, killed by police on December 25, 2015

Keith Childress, 23 years old, killed by police on December 31, 2015

Antronie Scott, 36 years old, killed by police on February 4, 2016

David Joseph, 17 years old, killed by police on February 8, 2016

Calin Roquemore, 24 years old, killed by police on February 13, 2016

Dyzhawn Perkins, 19 years old, killed by police on February 13, 2016

Christopher Davis, 21 years old, killed by police on February 24, 2016

Kevin Hicks, 44 years old, killed by police on April 5, 2016

Demarcus Semer, 21 years old, killed by police on April 23, 2016

Willie Tillman, 33 years old, killed by police on April 23, 2016

Ashtian Barnes, 25 years old, killed by police on April 28, 2016

Michael Wilson Jr., 27 years old, killed by police on May 22, 2016

Vernell Bing Jr., 22 years old, killed by police on May 22, 2016

Doll Pierre-Louis, 24 years old, killed by police on May 25, 2016

Devonte Gates, 21 years old, killed by police on May 26, 2016

Antwun Shumpert, 37 years old, killed by police on June 18, 2016

Clarence Howard, 25 years old, killed by police on June 19, 2016

Deravis Rogers, 22 years old, killed by police on June 23, 2016

Delrawn Small, 27 years old, killed by police on July 4, 2016

Philandro Castile, 32 years old, killed by police on July 6, 2016

Dalvin Hollis, 19 years old, killed by police on July 27, 2016

Donnell Thompson Jr., 27 years old, killed by police on July 28, 2016

SIXTY-SEVEN dead. And this FAR from an inclusive list. It does not include the death, for example, of Sandra Bland, who died under very questionable circumstances while in police custody. It doesn't include a slew of deaths that occurred after people were tazed, beaten to death, and/or had police dogs sicced on them. It does not include those who died after being hit by a police car or outright run over. I had to pick and choose which people to include, and which not to. So as I quickly skimmed the details of their death, if I thought there was even the slightest hint that the police may have possibly had a sliver of a chance to feel that they were in danger, I didn't include them. So this list is a reflection of my judgment. The vast majority of those who appear on this list were buried with bullet holes. To those who are not included on this list, I do not believe you "deserved" to die. I mourn your loss as much as I mourn those on this list. This is not an inclusive list, but all of the people in this list share a couple of things in common: first, they had no weapons on their person at the time of their deaths; and second, they are all people of color, with the vast majority of them Black, young, and male.

Since WWII, the total number of American casualties in the recognized wars that our country has been involved in is 1,467,260. Whether anyone agrees with, disagrees with, supports or condemns any or all of the wars we've been involved with, these are Our soldiers and their sacrifice cannot be dismissed.

In 2012, Colin Kaepernick became well known in every American football fan's household across the globe. In just his second year in the NFL, playing for the storied San Francisco 49ers, and taking over as the starting QB in week 10, he led his team to the Superbowl. Though the Baltimore Ravens won the chip that year, Kaepernick was anointed the QB of the future. You couldn't turn on the TV or page through a magazine without seeing him. He was everywhere. Endorsement deals at every turn, on the red carpet, he was Sports Royalty.

2013 was another great year for him professionally, as he led his 49ers back to the NFC Championship game against their division rival Seattle Seahawks. He had a sub-par performance, with a couple of turnovers in the 4^th quarter. Seattle went to the Superbowl that year. And it seemed to be the beginning of the end of Kaepernick's reign as royalty. In 2014, he was ordinary. A big part of his decline can be looked at as a direct result of the souring of the relationship between his head coach, Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers organization. But I have always been one to believe that as the QB, when the team is successful, you get all the glory so when they're not, the QB must take his piece of the blame. In addition, much of Kaepernick's success was due to the “wildcat” offense, a trick offense if you will. Ask Robert Griffin III how his career has played out as defenses learn to defend that style of offense. In 2014, Kaepernick and the 49ers had a very unimpressive 8-8 season.

In 2015, under new head coach Mike Tomsula, the 49ers started out at a very disappointing 2-6, at which point Kaepernick was benched. The poor record was not Kaepernick's fault entirely. But as I said, in football, the QB gets all the glory and he also gets all the blame. After losing his starting position, he was benched for the rest of the year with a shoulder injury. Tomsula was fired at the end of the 2015 season, replaced by Chip Kelly. There are those who believed that Kelly was going to save Kaepernick's career, as Kaepernick was the perfect QB for Kelly's offense.

So far in pre-season, though, Kaepernick has been unimpressive in Kelly's offense, and Blaine Gabbert is believed to be their starting QB for the 2016 season. With 3 QBs fighting for 2 remaining roster spots, there are some “experts” who believe that 2 years after signing a contract extension worth up to as much as $126 million, that Colin Kaepernick might not have a team to play for.

So apparently, Kaepernick has chosen not to stand during the playing of the National Anthem for all 3 pre-season games, as of the date that I'm writing this. He wasn't suited up to play in the first 2 games, so his decision went unnoticed. In uniform, though, it was noticed. When asked about his decision not to stand, he explained, "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder."

NOW, being a Packers fan and having had Kaepernick absolutely destroy my defense in 3 consecutive meetings in 2012-2013, I pretty much hate the guy as a football player. And I don't feel one bit of guilt for it. So when this controversy first blew up, I dismissed him and his position... NOT because his words had no validity, because they do. But I relegated it to being a self-serving push for publicity. Perhaps he too realized that there was a good chance of his being cut by the team, so by embroiling himself in a controversy, he might be able to get 1 of 2 results: kept on the roster so that the 49ers could avoid looking like they're racist by cutting the Black QB who's standing up for #BlackLivesMatter; OR the 49ers will try to deal him to a team where he has a shot of starting, thereby avoiding #1 altogether.

But, in an effort to be fair, I went out to Kaepernick's Twitter page to review his account. Maybe he's been vocal about the issue all along, but I didn't know it because I don't follow him and mostly don't listen to anything he says. Going all the way back to 2015, I am not seeing any tweets or retweets related to BLM. The first sign of interest I see on his page is from July 2016. So forgive me, but I have to wonder what happened so recently that made this man stop and say “Hey, this nation isn't treating Black people / people of color right”. I have to be honest and question his sincerity. Where was his outrage when Mike Brown was literally laying in the streets in puddles of his own blood, with bullet holes in his body? Was it easier for him to look past his body because he had all those endorsements, all that money, all that attention and adoration? Is it just now that the spotlight has found alternate areas to focus that he sees what's been happening?

But then again I have to ask myself... even if it's only because the bright lights aren't blinding him that he's able to see, isn't the fact that he's seeing it now what matters? “They” always say “better late than never” so can't we give Colin that same courtesy? Is it my admittedly-ridiculous-on-the-verge-of-crazy loyalty to my Packers that is clouding my own judgment on this very REAL issue? And really, do I even have the “right” to question another person's motives?

Because in the time since the year that Kaepernick became a household name, a very incomplete list of 67 unarmed men and women of color have been murdered by police, with only a handful of indictments and virtually no convictions. In each case, the killer cops are put on a paid administrative leave, and are cleared of any wrongdoing. Unarmed citizens buried with bullet holes, and no justice. And although he's biracial himself and was raised by adoptive white parents, when people look at him, they see a Black man. And when he looks at the faces of these 67, he very likely sees himself. Doesn't he have the right to be angry? Shouldn't we ALL be angry?

And of course, there's the very predictable but still ugly reaction to Kaepernick's statements. A lot of people are coming from a position of “patriotism” and are saying things like “If you don't like it here, then leave”. And I actually have no problem with that. We have millions of people who have either personally served in our Armed Forces, or have friends/family who have fought and died in the name of this country. And people who do and say things that they interpret as disrespecting the American flag, the American people and/or America offend them. They have a right to those feelings, just as much as Kaepernick has the right to feel that this country has not done right by people of color.

With that said, the people who say “Go back to Africa” or attach the N word or any other racial epithet... that's where they step over the line. I mean really... “Go back to Africa” is completely ignorant. Africans who were brought here as SLAVES did not board a cruise ship only to find that they'd been bamboozled. They were kidnapped, chained, bought and sold as property. “Go back to Africa” is about as ignorant as anyone can be. And those who fall back on calling someone the N word or other epithet simply admits that they're too stupid to process the situation and present their opinions in an intelligent manner. I disregard anyone who resorts to these arguments.

I've been personally attacked for my opinion, on social media, by both white folks who consider themselves patriotic as well as by people of color. My patriotic detractors are all-or-nothing on this matter. If I don't condemn someone who doesn't stand for the National Anthem (or put her hand over her heart while it's played, etc.) then I am just as much a scourge to this nation and I can leave too. People of color have attacked, saying that if I accept someone saying “If you don't like it here then leave” then I am saying nothing in this country is wrong and nothing needs to change. Neither of these groups could be more wrong, and in my opinion both of them are a part of the problem.

See, I believe that you can love a person or a place or a city or a country, and still admit and recognize that they're not perfect. There are a LOT of things I feel need to be changed in this country, including but not limited to racial justice and equality. And I love America. I don't thing we need to make America great “again”. I think we're pretty great as we are. That doesn't mean, however, that I don't see all the ways that we can improve and be even greater. At the same time, I understand that those who've lost friends and family who fought in the name of freedom and democracy are going to have a strong reaction to criticisms of our country. Who am I to tell them that their feelings are invalid?

Very rarely, if ever, is an all-or-nothing approach going to lead to anything positive. Ignoring the very real racial and ethnic issues in the US gets us nowhere... at the same time, to ignore the fact that Kaepernick has the right to voice his position as it is, is the direct result of his living in the United States as opposed to places like Russia or China or any number of nations where the people have no freedom of speech... well that's just pure stupid too.

The truth is that although this is a great and powerful nation, we're going backwards. There are very real, very scary and very embarrassing reasons a candidate like Donald Trump, in a campaign based on hate and bigotry and intolerance, has been allowed to succeed. We are at a crossroads: we can swallow our collective pride, finally deal with all of the dirt that we as a nation and that we as individuals have done, and find a way to begin to heal and move forward together, or we are going to continue to fight each other in vain. 

Shame on... who?

My blog is just a little blog, and it's really just for me. This post is too... but they all serve a purpose. It allows me to get my feelings out about things, big and small, important and mundane. Whatever happens to be on my mind at the time. THIS blog though is kind of cutting edge for me. See, I am a private person. Whereas I am more than happy to share my opinions, I rarely give a glimpse into my personal life.

This blog, or at least the intention to write it, was born when I saw a story reported by TMZ (http://www.tmz.com/2016/07/14/dani-mathers-gym-pic-photo-police-report/) about a Playboy playmate Dani Mathers who was at her gym and sneakily took a photo of a “fat” woman naked, posted it on her Snapchat account with the caption “If I can't unsee this, neither can you”. Of course, this went viral and people said all the right things, felt all of the politically correct outrage and called Ms. Mathers on the carpet. She, naturally, apologized, stated she never intended to post the pic publicly and that it was all a mistake. She became a playmate because she loves the female body and she regrets shaming this unnamed woman.

As a fellow-fatty, I am, of course, appalled and I hurt for this woman. But I have to be honest. I have been out and about... IN PUBLIC... and have witnessed people wearing things that I thought were inappropriate. I have covered my eyes in horror at some of what I've seen. I have judged and said cruel things about people who I don't know and their appearance. And I am ashamed of that. And while I continue to work on myself and strive to reserve judgment (more to come on that subject), I can at least say that when I did what I did, I was in public. I didn't sneak into a place where a person has the right to assume a certain level of privacy and invade it. Ms. Mathers overstepped every line imaginable.

I mentioned that I continue to work on myself and am striving to reserve judgment on other people. Especially people who are “big”, and super-especially when they are trying to improve themselves. You see, they don't need ME judging them. Trust me when I say that they judge themselves more harshly than anyone else can even imagine. We are harder on ourselves than you can ever know. I remember once I was out shopping with my sister, looking at clothes, and actually saying out loud that I don't deserve new clothes because I am too fat. Every time, and I mean every time, anyone's ever given me a compliment of any kind, I say thank you but tell myself that it's not true... they're just being nice. Or even worse, if someone says I look nice, in my head, I tell myself that they're being sarcastic and that I actually look awful. No matter what I wear, I look in the mirror and I see a fat woman and the voice in my head tells me that I look, and am, fat and ugly. It's always fat AND ugly.

I've been to the gym and seen and heard people point and talk about me and/or some other overweight person working out. Whether it's a fancy expensive gym or Planet Fitness, if you had any idea the effort it takes just to walk in, knowing what people will think and say.

Thankfully, I know I don't speak for every overweight person out there. There are more and more plus size ladies (and I am sure there's some gentlemen out there too!) that love themselves as is. They are the body-positive folks who are trying to help all of us by showing us that beauty is not defined by size. And God bless them for it. Some of us are still catching up, but Lord knows that these folks are beyond appreciated!

But back to Ms. Mathers. The thing is, the woman that she so cruelly photographed and exposed isn't even “that” big! Ms. Mathers is the reason why we have so many body image issues. She says it was a mistake. How do you accidentally SNEAK taking a picture, accidentally caption it, and post it for the world to see? Even if I give her the benefit of the doubt, which she has not earned, and say that I believe she didn't intend to post the picture to her Snapchat account, she certainly intended to share it with a friend or friends, who are equally as shallow and heartless. No, this is no accident and if she regrets anything, it's being exposed as a cunty bitch.

Her intention was to secretly shame this woman for what... being bigger than Ms. Mathers is? Being bigger than Ms. Mathers thinks she should be? For being naked in the locker room of the gym and not cowering in a dressing room somewhere hiding her body? Certainly she shouldn't be ashamed for working out and trying to be the best version of herself that she can be! No, if you ask me, Dani Mathers should be ashamed of herself. She's the one that is sickening. She's the one who's hateful behavior can't be unseen.  

Alton Sterling and Philando Castile: Their Lives Mattered

In the last 2 days, 2 more Black Men have been killed by police, leaving behind women to mourn them and raise their children alone.

In Baton Rouge, LA, we have #AltonSterling. A 37 year old man, father to five children, selling bootleg CDs outside a convenience store (with the store owner's permission). To hear the police tell the story, a concerned citizen called the police to report Sterling had a firearm and was scaring people. The police arrive, slam Sterling into a vehicle, tackle him to the ground, and pump 6 shots into him. There are some of the most graphic videos of the incident I've ever seen, showing clearly as the life drained out of this man. Some of his last words? “What did I do wrong?”, “What's going on?” and “Why are you messing with me?”. And then 6 shots. His body in spasms as his life drains out of him.

To hear the store owner, Abdullah Muflahi, tell his side of the story, these police murdered Mr. Sterling. Mr. Muflahi says he'd known Alton for 5 or 6 years, never saw him fight or even argue with anyone, always smiling, always joking.

Those who still refuse to believe that police are killing Black men and women will say the following things in defense of these 2 killer cops: (1) Sterling was armed so this is not a case of police using excessive force unjustly. They feared for their lives; (2) Sterling has a criminal record and was a registered sex offender; (3) he was resisting arrest. Let's take a look at these arguments, shall we?

1. Sterling was armed. True. He had a gun on him. Louisiana is a state where gun ownership is allowed. A citizen can open carry a firearm without a license; or can obtain a license for concealed carry. Now, Alton Sterling does have a criminal record (more on that below), so he would not have been allowed to legally carry a gun. Reports are that he carried it for protection. Regardless, possession of the firearm may have been cause for these police officers to arrest Alton. It was not a reason to murder him. Alton did not grab for his gun, wave it at or near the officers, or in any way threaten the officers with the gun. They (the cops) took the gun FROM ALTON'S POCKET, after they had murdered him. Since Alton's gun was not brandished, there was absolutely no need for lethal force to be used.
2. Alton Sterling had a criminal record. So what. As brilliantly pointed out by Larry Wilmore on Comedy Central's The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, so does Martha Stewart. So do Matthew Broderick, Tim Allen, Bill Gates, Khloe Kardashian, Kiefer Sutherland, Matthew McConaughey, Chance Crawford, and Woody Harrelson. I'm pretty sure that's not an inclusive list of white celebrities who've run afoul of the law. What does that have to do with police killing Black men? The exact same thing that Alton Sterling's criminal record: NOTHING. But people want to talk about it? Let's talk about it. Sterling was arrested on what's basically a statutory rape charge. He was over the age of 18 when he impregnated his then under-age girlfriend. By the way, he was raising the product of that illegal encounter with the other person involved in that illegal counter. Yup, both of them are... excuse me, were parenting that child. It's up to Mom to finish the parenting job now. He had other offenses as well... other altercations with police, weapons charges, etc. Last time I checked, though, none of his offenses carried the death penalty and even if they did, I believe he needed to be tried and convicted by a jury of his peers, and that said jury would need to deliver the order of capital punishment. To the best of my knowledge, police have not been tasked with assuming the roles of judge, jury and executioner.
3. He was resisting. Or was he? Police came up on him, got physical with him. Was he resisting or just reacting the way anyone would who was being strong armed?

Let's look at a different situation that happened in Raleigh, NC. A white male, William Bruce Ray, was standing near an intersection with shotgun, pointing it at cars driving by. Authorities were called and a Deputy arrived on the scene. The Deputy approached Ray, and was able to wrestle the shotgun away from him... at which point Ray drew a handgun and fired a shot at the Deputy. The shot missed, thankfully, and the Deputy apprehended Ray and took him into custody.

Do you really need me to explain why #BlackLivesMatter?

So let's go back to Mr. Sterling's story, and his five babies. His oldest, a 15 year old son, standing with his mother, trying to support her as she reads her statement to the press. Still a boy, still a child, thrust into the role of being the Man of the House. Breaking down in tears and grief, crying out for his daddy. And the younger babies, too young to understand why their daddy didn't come home and is never coming home again.

And then the next day, and I mean the very next day, there was the murder of #PhilandoCastile. Another Black man, dead at the hands of police. Bullet holes riddling his body, causing his blood and life to drain out of him. In front of his fiance. In front of their 4 year old daughter.

Minnesota... a state where it is LEGAL to carry a concealed weapon. Diamond Reynolds was driving her car with Philando in the passenger's seat. She's pulled over by the police for a broken tail light. Philando does all the right things, the things white folk say if Black folk would do, they wouldn't have trouble with the police. He tells the police that he has a licensed firearm in the glove box of the car. The police order him to produce identification. He informs them that he's reaching into his pocket to retrieve the identification they just ordered him to produce. Bang bang. Bang bang. Four bullets pumped into him. Dead. In front of his fiance. In front of their 4 year old daughter. And because Diamond recorded the incident and streamed it live, he died in front of the world.

Ok, so let's review the usual arguments that people want to use to justify police murder:

1. Philando was armed. Yes he was. In a state where it's allowed. In a state where he was licensed to be armed. He did not have the gun in his hand, he was not reaching for the gun. There was no danger to the officers' lives. Next!
2. He has a criminal record. Except wait... he doesn't. He had been stopped for minor traffic violations in his life (but then, who hasn't?) but he has no felony convictions. But again, the fact that this is even part of the discussion is asinine.
3. He shouldn't have resisted. Except he wasn't. He was COMPLYING with the officers' instructions. And he was shot anyway.

There. Is. No. Justification. No. Rationale. No. Reason. For. This. Man. To. Be. Dead. Unless, of course, you're FINALLY willing to admit out loud that in this country, Being Black is a capital crime.

In the wise and heart wrenching words of Jesse Williams:

… Now, what we’ve been doing is looking at the data and we know that police somehow manage to deescalate, disarm and not kill white people everyday. So what’s going to happen is we are going to have equal rights and justice in our own country or we will restructure their function and ours.

Now… I got more y’all – yesterday would have been young Tamir Rice’s 14th birthday so I don’t want to hear anymore about how far we’ve come when paid public servants can pull a drive-by on 12 year old playing alone in the park in broad daylight, killing him on television and then going home to make a sandwich. Tell Rekia Boyd how it’s so much better than it is to live in 2012 than it is to live in 1612 or 1712. Tell that to Eric Garner. Tell that to Sandra Bland. Tell that to Dorian Hunt...

We now have to tell that to Alton Sterling, and to Philando Castile. And the list keeps growing.

I have honestly had this conversation so many times, with friends, family and strangers, with Black folks and White folks and everyone in between. I had a minor Twitter war with Montel Williams because I had the audacity to check his daughter (I didn't know it was his daughter, but she was one who tried to diminish #BlackLivesMatter by saying “BlueLivesMatter and #AllLivesMatter). But here we go again...

NO ONE is saying #ONLYBlackLivesMatter or that #BlackLivesMatterMore. See, we already know that Blue lives matter. When a cop is killed in the line of duty, the community comes together to condemn the action. The city, wherever it happens, is in mourning. The cops at whatever precinct the fallen officer works at, as well as cops from surrounding precincts and their families come together to make sure that the fallen officer's family is taken care of. Collections are taken up to pay off the mortgage so that's not hanging over the widow or widower's head. Trusts are set up to pay for their children's education. They surround the family and adopt them, making sure they are not left to fend for themselves.

We know White lives matter because for hundreds of years, everything has been established to honor white lives. It took a Civil War to finally allow a Black man to be counted as a person. It took another civil war, the Civil Rights movement, where more Blacks lost their lives trying to obtain the rights they were promised with the idea of Freedom. If you aren't sure that we know white lives matter, take a look at Brock Turner. Look at Curt Johnson. Look at Ben Roethlesberger. Look at the prisons nationwide, where Black and Brown bodies fill up jail cells on drug charges, but the government and white businessmen who actually run the drugs sit in their mansions, sipping on champagne.

See, we KNOW Blue lives and White lives matter. But where's the proof that we as a society recognize the value of a Black life? THAT is why we have to say it. Speak it to the world. Because not enough people know it.

You see, when the press ran with the story of what happened in Baton Rouge on Tuesday, they could have chosen a photo of Mr. Sterling smiling, with his wife and their children. Instead, they pulled his mug shot from over 15 years prior. His life MATTERED. 

When prayer is not enough

#PrayForParis

#PrayForBrussels

#PrayForCharleston

#PrayForJapan

#PrayForSandyHook

#PrayForKenya

#PrayForMH360 (Malaysia Airlines flight that went missing)

#PrayForSanBernadino

And now... #PrayForOrlando

Don't get me wrong. I understand that there's violence and tragedy everywhere, every day. And every instance of senseless violence, death and tragedy and the people impacted deserve our compassion and prayers. And there are certain events or situations that are more egregious than others, that require us as humans to put forth a little extra in our prayers.

But the truth of the matter is that mass shootings in the United States, and terror attacks globally, have become so commonplace that it's hard to keep up.

We've become almost immune to school shootings, whether they're at high schools or colleges/universities. Instead of shock and horror, we almost shrug our shoulders and wonder what bullied (usually) boy/man was pushed over the edge? How could his family/friends/loved ones not see what was happening? We condemn the shooter, of course, and mourn his victims. But we also give lip service to the issue of mental health and how mental health disorders and treatments need to be destigmatized. I won't go into the racial aspect of this... the majority of these mass shootings are perpetrated by white men and are almost never tagged officially as acts of terror, whereas official acts of terror are typically attributed to a person of color and even then, it's their victims who will determine how outraged we are by the act. Paris and Brussels and of course, NYC? Immediate global outrage. Anywhere in the Middle East or Africa? Barely a blip on the scroll at the bottom of our TVs that it even happened... but I digress.

ALL this shit is terrorism. Every act of violence or intimidation is terrorism. When there's a victim, there is terrorism. Stalkers are terrorists. Rapists are terrorists! Even when the rapist is packaged as a white, All-American athlete. Rape is not sex, and it's not “action”. It is an act of terror. Don't believe me? Ask anyone who's been raped, why they're afraid to go out alone, or at all. Why they have extra locks on their windows and doors. Why they have a moment of anxiety every time a man touches them. But I digress again, my apologies.

Do we need to pray for those who find themselves in places like Paris or Brussels (or Kabul or Somalia or Nigeria or...) when attacks are carried out? Of course we do. But we can't just care after the fact. We have to come together in peace and love, and pray before we're putting people in the ground. We have to pray for everyone... including the ones who are planning these attacks because they need it the most. They've given in to hatred and despair. We have to pray for people who are masquerading as leaders or would-be leaders, and the people who support them. We have to pray that love and sense can overcome the fear and ignorance. People who still scream that Obama's coming to take their guns, as +50 funerals are being planned in Orlando.... as the streets of Chicago become more dangerous.... We have to pray that people like Donald Trump who, regardless of how you may feel about him, has a platform that he can use to continue to fan the flames of hate and ignorance like he has been, or he can use it to try to acknowledge the differences between us while searching for ways to unite us, like President Obama has done and continues to do.

This is a scary world, and it gets scarier every day. Prayer is great. Please pray, every day, for all of us. And when you're done praying, get up, get out and DO something that will reflect what you've been praying for.

Prince

I was born in 1970 and came of age in the 80s and 90s. There have been many influential musicians along the way, but only a handful (IMO) truly elevate to ICON level. For me, the musical icons I grew up with include Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and Prince. All of whom are now gone.

When Michael died, I felt like a piece of me had died too. When Whitney died, the way she died, those last few years of her life… that one hit me hard as well. When I first heard what were just rumors of Prince’s passing, and then as it was confirmed, I was shocked. Again, death came seemingly out of nowhere and took a man that was just so… bigger than life.

All my life, people have compared the greatness Michael Jackson and Prince. Who’s better? Who would you pick? I can’t tell you how many MJ vs Prince dance parties I’ve been to. And the thing is, no matter which side you came down on, you also had to admit that the “loser” was fucking amazing too. Me? I was always an MJ girl. When he passed, I cried. Hard.

When it was clear that the rumors were true and we lost Prince, as I said, I was shocked. My immediate reaction was that we’d lost a true icon. Words cannot describe the mastery of his musicianship, creativity and showmanship. I started thinking about all of his music and the artists that he had worked with, mentored, promoted, wrote for, played for. My God. He was greater that I’d even imagined.

Then I started reading the reactions of some of Prince’s super fans. The ways in which his music and his words had not only spoke to them, but the countless ways in which Prince had truly affected them. Made them into the people they were today.

While I can certainly agree that his music is great, I have to also admit that it never spoke to me the way Michael’s did. Or Whitney’s. I didn’t feel that sudden ache and emptiness the way I had when I’d heard of MJ’s and then Whitney’s deaths. I didn’t feel that sense of loss at the news of Prince’s death. And I have to wonder… am I better off not having that connection to Prince, to avoid the pain that so many millions of others are feeling across the globe… OR, am I doubly-damned for losing someone and something I had not even learned to REALLY appreciate?

My thoughts and condolences to Prince’s family, friends, loved ones and to all of his true fans whose lives have been altered forever.

An Open Letter to Skinny People

I was working out at the gym tonight. My second consecutive day at the gym after a hiatus of I don't know how many months. Last night and tonight both were low key workouts... 20 minutes on the treadmill and some stretching to remind my body what it feels like to be active. I know I can do better, but it was something. And it was a LOT more than I've been doing for a long ass time. I was, no I AM, proud of myself for every positive choice and step I take.

The treadmill directly to my left was not being used, but the next two were being used by two girlfriends who were already seemingly in shape. They were moderately thin, not super skinny but not thick either. Average, I guess. The treadmill to their left was empty, but the next one down was being used by a woman who was significantly overweight. She wasn't walking terribly fast, or at a high incline. But she was walking. She was doing something.

The skinny girls though... they didn't appreciate her efforts the way I did, or the way I hope she appreciated her own efforts. They were laughing at her, judging her. Their comments were loud enough for me to hear them over the music blaring in my own ears from my iPod, so I am sure she heard them too. Comments like "she's never going to lose weight if she doesn't move her fat ass faster than that". Comments like "how in the hell does a bitch let herself get that fucking fat". Comments like "I sure hope that maintenance is scheduled for that machine tomorrow".

After finishing my own slow return to gym life, walking back to the women's locker room, I saw the woman's face and tried to make eye contact with her, just to smile and try to give her a little encouragement. She was focused though, staring straight ahead. No emotion. And I recognized that look.

See, here's the thing. People who have never been big will never know what that is. Whatever the meanest thing is that you can think of to say to us, we've said things 100 times worse to ourselves. Even so, every single cruel comment cuts us, but on the inside, where you can't see us bleed. You see, we hear it. All of it. And we get very good at pretending we don't. We plaster on a smile whenever we can, and when we can't manage that, we simply look straight ahead showing no emotion whatsoever. We won't give you the satisfaction of knowing that your words hurt.

Here's the thing though... those words do hurt. They say "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." That's a lie. When we're alone, your cruel words play over and over and over in our head. And we build on them. We are harder on ourselves than you could ever be. And we punish ourselves with more food. Because that ice cream, or that cupcake, or those chips.... see, they become our friends. They accept us. They show us "love" by tasting good. They are the hug we need, even though we know we shouldn't.

And here's another thing. Women are so much more cruel to overweight women than men are. I have been fat my entire life. As an adult though, I've tried over and over to "get healthy". I have been approached in gyms as well as in the park when I was working out with a personal trainer, by guys offering words of encouragement. But I've seen the looks and heard comments from women, directed at me, that were cruel. Thankfully not as cruel as what was said about the woman tonight. But I've seen the snickers and heard the laughs.

At the end of the day, for me, to be completely honest, I don't give a single fuck about what anyone thinks. I'm at the gym for ME. But I ask everyone, whether skinny or average, man or woman. Be kind. It doesn't cost anything, and showing compassion for someone else isn't going to dull your shine. It will actually make you shine brighter. Fat people have feelings, and they hurt as easily as yours do. You don't have to like us. But you don't have to hate us, and you don't have to be cruel either.

No rape? No winners.

On January 7, 2016, an absolutely horrific story hit the wire. An 18 year old girl was gang raped by five teenagers in a Brownsville (Brooklyn) playground. Some initial reports indicated she was walking near the playground with a male friend. It turned out that the man she was with was her father. The five boys accused of the crime had a gun and threatened him. The man ran to a nearby store begging for help, but no one assisted. By the time he was able to call the police, the woman had been gang raped repeatedly, and all five boys had fled the scene.

Everyone reacted immediately. Two of the suspects' parents were the ones who turned their sons in. Eventually all five suspects were identified by the press: their names and photos were circulated widely, despite the fact that all five of the suspects were minors, ranging in age from 14 to 17. They were arrested and charged as adults.

The immediate reaction was understandable. People were shocked and outraged at the brutal nature of the reported crimes. Everyone from Mayor Bill de Blasio to Commissioner Bill Bratton to local community leaders to Twitter and Facebook erupted. Most of the reaction was in support of the girl who had been attacked, and how these kinds of attacks must be prevented.

I, myself, remember reacting to the story. I too was horrified at the brutality of the attack. But I also believe that people are supposed to be innocent until proven guilty. I remember well a similar situation many years ago when five teenagers were accused of gang raping a woman in Central Park. They were coerced and tricked into confessing and rushed through legal proceedings. They too, despite their ages, were tried as adults and convicted. And they were innocent. Known collectively as the Central Park Five, they are a tragic example of what happens when “we” jump to conclusions and rush to judgment.

Over the next couple of weeks, additional details were quietly coming out. The girl and her father weren't walking near the playground as originally reported. They were actually (allegedly) having sex when the five teens approached them. The father left, and the girl consented to sex with all five boys. The girl allegedly recanted her story of being raped. Despite the report of a gun, the police were unable to find a gun on any of the suspects or in their homes. There was allegedly video taken with a cell phone, showing the girl with the suspects before the alleged attack, as well as showing her having consensual sex with all five boys.

Today, the Brooklyn District Attorney announced that all charges have been dropped against all five boys. Rationale for the action included a lack of evidence, the girl's recantation of the allegations of forced sexual contact and her refusal to cooperate with the investigation. In addition, an investigation into the alleged sexual contact with her father was dropped because she refused cooperation with police in that matter, too. Defense attorneys, of course, retain that charges were dropped because their clients are INNOCENT, not because of a lack of evidence and lack of a participating complainant. https://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20160224/brownsville/rape-charges-dropped-against-5-teens-accused-of-attack-brownsville-park

No one “wins” here. These five boys escaped the fate of the Central Park Five boys. They didn't have to serve a single day of a prison sentence. They did not have to register on any sex offender list. But they aren't unscathed either. Their names and faces are now associated with a heinous sex attack allegation. For the rest of their lives, when their names are typed into a Google search, THIS will come up. At 14, 15 and 17 years of age, when they apply for college or a job or an apartment, THIS will come up. This can follow them for the rest. of. their. Lives.

The girl who was allegedly attacked doesn't win. Whether her behavior was consensual or not, she was most definitely sexually abused. Sex with her father? That was absolutely abuse! I can't help but wonder when it started... Which adult in her life, who was supposed to take care of her, put her on this path of abuse? How much abuse had she already endured that she would have sex with her father, and then let these five boys line up to take turns? How much more abuse will she endure before she hits rock bottom? Because no matter what may happen in the future, with or without her consent, she has a label attached to her.

And women who are sexually assaulted might be the biggest losers of all. As it is, even under the best of circumstances (if you can call them that), when a woman says that she was sexually assaulted, there are a lot of people who roll their eyes and dismiss her allegation as a lie. They will say that she had sex with her attacker, and then either changed her mind or he didn't call her and now she's “crying rape”. She will have every aspect of her life looked at under a microscope. How does she dress? How many dates does she go on? How many men has she been intimate with... ever? In her whole life? That many? My God, what a whore! Did she have any alcohol? Was she dancing provocatively with him? Flirting? Did she really say no?

Every single time a sexual assault is alleged, when no such attack took place, it makes it that much harder for the next woman who is actually assaulted to come forward. It gives people that much more “reason” to question the next woman who says she was forced. To not believe her. To assume she's lying. To side against her.

I am relieved that if these young men did not force this girl to engage in sexual activity, that they will not suffer the same fate as the Central Park Five and any other man who has been falsely accused and convicted of sexual assault. But there are no winners here. 

10 Reasons Not To Leave New York City, Debunked!

I love NYC. I really love NYC. Even on the days when I hate it, I love it. I love it so much that after spending all of 5 days here in 2007, I immediately went home to Green Bay, pounded the virtual pavement until I found a job, put in my notice at work and to my landlord, packed 2 suitcases, bought a laptop and moved here. I didn’t know a soul. I relied on craigslist to find housing. It was sink or swim, and I was bound and determined to swim. And 8 years later, I’m still here.

But I gotta be real… there are days when I think I’ve had enough, and give serious consideration to leaving this bedlam that people think is actually "reality". Especially when I read these ridiculous lists of why no one in NYC ever needs to go anywhere, ever (http://www.timeout.com/newyork/blog/ten-reasons-not-to-leave-new-york-ever). For every BS reason you have to stay, I can give you reasons to go.

1. You’ll need a car
Not necessarily. NYC is not the ONLY city in the US, let alone the world, with functional public transportation. And speaking of functional, when is the last time anyone had a full day of commuting and running errands where there weren’t service disruptions, delays and outright fuckery, courtesy of the MTA?  

2. Bagels will be severely disappointing
As with pizza, REAL bagels are getting harder and harder to find, depending where you live and/or work. People say they’ll pay more for a good slice or a great bagel, but if it’s more than $1 or 2 (for just the bagel), they are griping about it. As a result, most of the bodegas have resorted to a smaller, crappier, cardboard-tasting bagel wanna-be, that is equivalent to the Lender's bagel you can get in the freezer aisle at most supermarkets... anywhere.

3. 24-hour food to your doorstep
Again, you’re talking about a very limited piece of geography within Manhattan. If you’re living in the Bronx or further out in Brooklyn (which you might be if you want to be able to actually afford rent), you’ll be lucky to have a handful of options on Seamless, and even those options are typically crappy Chinese food or crappy pizza places. One might think that a more lean offering for food delivery would prompt you to stay home and cook. The only thing is, is that Peapod grocery delivery service, nor Fresh Direct, will deliver to you. The selection for supermarkets in these areas is awful at best. Good luck finding decent fresh meat and produce. In MOST areas, if you want good food, you’re gonna need to get dressed and go get it and if you want decent groceries, you're going to need to travel to get that as well.

4. The summer
If you like stifling hot and disgustingly humid, yeah, you will love summer. But there’s even more people jammed into the City with tourists, huge concert events/festivals, etc. All the cars and traffic (because despite “not needing a car” according to #1, there’s millions of cars and trucks and buses everywhere all the time). Motorcycle clubs galore go revving up and down streets at all hours of the day and night. And who can forget the stench of rotting garbage every single day, no matter where you go.

5. Your dating pool will shrink dramatically
Here’s a newsflash: yes there’s millions of people in NYC but they are the same kind of people you find anywhere, only worse. If you’re someone who’s of the belief that the Man should “take care of things” (i.e., pay for everything on dates plus help the woman with her rent or utilities or groceries or whatever), good luck. The number of men who can actually afford that shit is very small and really picky about who they’ll date (you better be, or look like you could be, a model). If you’re more independent and don’t have a problem picking up the tab (from time to time), get ready to be a Sugar Mama because dudes get used to that mad quick. Dating will turn into either chilling at your place or you footing the bill if you want to go out. That’s not to say there aren’t successful dating experiences. But with the bigger pool of possibilities comes the reality of having to wade through more shit to find what you’re looking for. And still having a very real possibility of “settling” because the search has exhausted you.

6. All the entertainment you could ever want
Ok, so this one is really on point. I can’t lie, and don’t even what to. THIS is, in all honesty, what probably still keeps me from washing my hands of NYC and moving on. It doesn’t matter what you find entertaining, NYC has it. Every day. Without fail. All you have to do is go. The problem? Of course, it’s the price tag. After paying rent and bills and making sure you have food and toilet paper, there’s usually not a lot left to relegate to your entertainment fund. So even though there’s a zillion (literally) things you’ll want to do, you very likely won’t be able to afford to do them. So although this is totally true…. in the end, it’s more of a tease since the entertainment options are there and you can’t take advantage.

7. You’ll actually have to plan how you’ll get home from a night out
Please. Uber and Lyft has made transportation extremely accessible. And unless you’re in Mayberry, you can always call a cab. You will have to call, though, because most cities do not pick of fares off the street. PLUS, let’s go back to #1. Everyone has a car. And as I am aging, going out and getting hammered isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. A lot of bars will let a Designated Driver drink non-alcoholic beverages at no cost, which in my circles, means there’s a fight to be the DD.  Getting home? No problem.

8. The job market might be cutthroat here, but at least there are options
Where? You are mostly as trapped here as you are anywhere. Why? Because no one is looking to take a pay cut… ever. Hate your industry and want to reinvent yourself? You can ABSOLUTELY do that here. But, at least in the short term, that’s going to mean taking a pay cut from whatever you’re doing now. If you have rent, or kids, or both, that’s not always possible.

9. The food just won’t taste as good
Such bullshit. Yes, there are a lot of great dining options here. All the famous chefs want to add NYC as a notch on their belts. But let’s again be honest. The average Joe (or Jane) can’t afford $500 on a dinner, on a regular basis. And even if we could, to think that there are not some really fantastic, exciting and delicious culinary offerings all over the country, all over the world is just closed-minded idiocy.

10. Zombies!
Um… yeah. Try walking through Times Square or Grand Central or Central Park or 5^th Ave or any host of areas and you will find that you have to weave your way through an obstacle course of zombies who are completely oblivious to anything other than their phone/tablet/gaming device.

With all that said, let someone come up with a list of 10 reasons to leave NYC and never return, and I will shred that list too. At the end of the day, NYC is like that boyfriend (or girlfriend) that you love and hate all at the same time. GOD, you want to break up, once and for all, and kick that bum to the curb. And just when you have your boots on and you’re ready to do it, something happens and you fall in love all over again. Ahhhh, New York City... where love and hate collide.