Does fat shaming need a comeback?

James Cordon, on Bill Maher, on fat shaming

So for those of you, who are like me, and don't always appreciate having to click through links, let me recap. On his show, Bill Maher decided to make a case to "bring back" fat shaming because apparently, he feels that the problem is not on those who fat shame but rests solely with the fat. That on top of fat people taking up more than one seat on an airplane or for fat men not being able to see their penises under their bellies, it's unhealthy and maybe if fat people felt a little shame about their fatness, they'd do something about their circumstance.

James Cordon, a man of some heft himself, took on his contemporary's position with quite a bit of grace, some humor (of course) and some honesty. So if you didn't click the link, at some point, I encourage you to give him a listen.

But I am not on TV and don't have to temper my words. So once again, let me give everyone a news flash. Fat shaming doesn't need to make a comeback because it has never gone anywhere. It's been here. While I do agree that in the past few years, there have been the emergence of some personalities who have unapologetically given a big middle finger to fat shamers (Tess Holliday, Anna O'Brien, Jessamyn Stanley, Whitney Way Thore), actual fat shaming has never gone anywhere.

And for the record: please just fucking stop. No one who is fat CHOSE this. And before everyone starts yammering about how we choose the chips and the candy and the pizza and the burgers and the fries over the veggies and the salads and the boneless, skinless grilled chicken breast and (really, let's be honest, what y'all fat shamers and haters think we should choose for every meal), nothing.

And I say that with no apology. Fat or not, everyone deserves to eat, whatever we want, whenever we want. The argument about the unhealthy foods is absolutely true. Anyone who chooses to "live" on a diet comprised of fried foods, junk food, and sugar will be unhealthy. But the thing is... there are both fat and unfat people who choose to have a shit diet. It is a better lifestyle to be active rather than sedentary but there are fat people who are lazy and unfat people who are lazy.

There are people who exercise religiously, every day or almost every day. And yet they remain fat. And, crazy as it may be, there are people who never step foot in a gym, play a moment on any sports team, jog or run or even walk any more than is absolutely required of them, and yet they maintain an appearance of a thin or at least regular-sized person.

What I am trying to point out is that yet again, we have an asshole (Maher) who is trying to disguise his asshole-ness as concern for fat people. If you really give even half a shit about a fat person, just let them live their lives like anyone else. Because let me share a few truths with you, as a fat person.

• We know we're fat. Every single day when we get out of bed and need to make that extra effort to haul our larger load onto our feet, we're aware. When we pull our clothes out of the closet or out of a desk drawer and shake them open, we see the size and know that we're fat. Every time we look in the mirror or catch our reflection in a window, we see our size and know that we're fat. Every time we get on a plane, or a bus, or a train, or a bench or anywhere that there are seats involved, we see the look of horror on the faces of other people as they realize we're going to sit down. We know. So you telling us that we're fat is not only unnecessary but it's cruel too. We know.
• We are ashamed. Already. Even if we seem to be confident and self-accepting. I promise you that when we're alone away from inquiring eyes, we feel shame. Because we've been told our entire lives that we are fat because we're weak, lazy, inherent failures. That if we tried harder, we'd eat less and exercise more that we'd be thin. And many of us start down a downward spiral of more shame. Because, like anyone who's feeling weak or ashamed or like a failure, we need to feel support and compassion. And we don't feel safe asking another person for that because instead of offering us compassion or support, you pass judgment. So we turn to things like ice cream, cake, cookies, chocolate. And then we feel more shame for being too weak and for turning to food for comfort. And so the vicious cycle continues on and on and on.
• We are also aware... of everything and everyone when there is anyone around. Even family and friends. We're aware of the eyes on us, watching our every move. We're aware of when it might take two efforts to get up off of a low-seating chair. Or of every bite of food that goes into our mouths. I mean it would be ridiculous for anyone to never eat anything, but we see you watching to see what we are eating, how big of a bite we take, how much we eat, are we eating too fast? We often feel like we have to hide away to eat, which in turn may prompt us to make poor food choices, over eat, etc.

I'm not asking for anyone's pity. But if you feel the need to go out of your way to shame me for simply existing... fuck you.

We ALL need to check ourselves

So recently, I found myself in a situation I never thought I would. I am leaving names out not to protect anyone other than myself. Not because I don't feel confidence in my position but because I don't want to get into a pissing contest with anyone.

I was following a particular person on social media (Twitter, Facebook, IG) who I will call "John". We had some mutual "friends" and the posts that prompted me to follow John made me assume he was socially responsible and an advocate for justice. As it turned out, he wasn't... not saying he doesn't care about social issues or justice; that's just not his focus.

Anyway, he tweeted something very vague and IMO derogatory about Black men, stating that straight Black men needed to be better. He himself is a Black man and I honestly didn't recall reading any similar statements from John in the past. He had always, in my recollection, been honest and called out toxic situations and seemed to push for accountability (personal and collective). So, I replied to the tweet asking for context. In hindsight, my mistake, and I own my mistake, was falling back on the ole "not all Black men..." statement. He replied with the context for his tweet (things like the R Kelly documentary, Black men's defense of him, the resurgence of homophobic tweets from Kevin Hart from a decade ago, Black men's present-day defense of him, etc.). And then, he sent a second response lambasting me for being a white woman trying to tell a Black man how to feel. I responded initially, in my own sarcastic fashion, but before I could explain my original tweet, he took screen shots of the tweets, plastered them on Facebook and suddenly I was the enemy. Now, again in hindsight, I should have clarified my original tweet first and then, if needed, unleashed my sarcasm but that's not how it happened.

Anyway... to try to damage-control, I restricted all of my social media pages (because John is much more savvy than I, and in just a few minutes, had screen shots of my profile, personal details, etc. and plastered them on his own Facebook page). Of course, the screen shots of my now-protected pages were also shared on his page.

Here's the thing though: On his Facebook page, his followers/friends were posting assumptions about me that John didn't call foul on. Things like "She's definitely Latina" and "Her husband is probably Black". Not only did he not call his followers/friends on the exact thing he was jamming me up for, but he egged them on.

For the record though;

• I am not Latina, though if I was... should I be offended that they don't think I "look" Latina enough? Isn't that the same thing that many Black men and women deal with, regarding being light or dark skinned? There's so much internal discrimination, not to mention external. Why perpetuate that against Latina brothers and sisters? One follower/friend accused me of being a Russian bot and John was sure to correct that immediately. Why not nip the bud of the debate of my ethnicity? 
• I am not married. I have dated Black men... and white men... and Hispanic men... and Native American men... but if I was married, what would the race or ethnicity of my husband have to do with my request for context of the original vague tweet from John? Yet he made no attempt to correct that either. 
• He accused me of confusing him with another fairly well-known public figure, another Black man, who is quite involved in social justice. My reference to financially supporting his social justice efforts prompted this accusation. However, as I indicated earlier, the reason I followed him in the first place was my own misconception. But from various posts across social media outlets, I became aware of different causes and initiatives that I donated to. I did not mistake him for anyone else. 
• John denied trying to make me "go viral" stating there had been no retweets and further denied understanding why I "escalated" things by protecting my pages because he wasn't arguing. But he didn't leave the interaction on Twitter... he took screen shots and posted to Facebook where things can get out of control... fast. And while I do stand behind what I said... even if it's wrong and my position has changed, I own my mistakes, always have, I don't need nor want people combing through my words and taking them out of context. IMO, John was certainly trying to provoke an argument and I think I was the one who prevented that by removing myself from the situation.

So here's the deal. The original tweet... how straight Black men need a whole new "brand" is, again IMO. extremely short sighted and potentially dangerous. I am not a man, certainly not a Black man, so I cannot tell any man or Black man "how" to feel. I wish I had worded my request for context differently. But as a caucasian person, I can attest to how Black people. specifically Black men, are portrayed and perceived. None of this is a newsflash. You have unarmed Black boys being shot dead in the streets by police because the boys "looked" older and the police were afraid for their lives. You have white women across the nation who feel fear being in the presence of Black men, that they are in physical and sexual danger. To make a general statement that Black men (ALL) need a re-brand could be construed as giving credence to the current brand of Black men as thugs and predators. And that is dangerous.

Perhaps the more accurate statement is that straight Black men need better brand representation. Perhaps the problem isn't with "straight Black men" but rather the absence of positive representation of straight Black men in TV, movies and the press. Maybe it's semantics. Perhaps it could have been an opportunity for dialogue. We'll never know.

But as I said in the title of this rant... we all need to check ourselves. From this episode, I have looked at my own communications and have noted that in the future, that I should try to be clearer about why I might be asking someone of a different race, ethnicity, orientation, etc. than me for context, to avoid the misunderstanding that caused John's reaction. I have also noted, yet again, to try to temper my sarcasm. But I think John needed to check himself as well. To perhaps not immediately feel that I was telling him how he should feel, and certainly to make sure that he's not passively allowing or actively assisting the exact thing he is so sensitive to.