Greg Hardy... Even though it's right, it's wrong

Ever since the video of Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiance, followed quickly by Adrian Peterson and the discipline of his son, domestic violence has been a topic of conversation in the NFL. Ray Rice lost his career as a result of his actions and Peterson lost nearly a full season. Most recently, it's Greg Hardy.

Hardy's case is disturbing, to say the least. He was found guilty of assault and “communicating threats” but somehow he was able to set aside the conviction and opt for a trial jury. This after the victim courageously testified against her attacker, detailing the beating, the choking, the guns. Not surprisingly, and as it happens in too many cases of domestic abuse, she stopped cooperating with the prosecution and charges were dropped. Nonetheless, Hardy had to serve an NFL-imposed suspension.

During his suspension, he was signed to a new contract with the Dallas Cowboys. Many were openly critical of the move by Jerry Jones, but Jerry assured everyone that Hardy was deserving of a second chance, knew he had done wrong and had learned from his mistakes. Immediately upon his return to the Cowboys, following his suspension, he talked big about coming out “guns blazing” and making really creepy remarks about Tom Brady's wife. People everywhere, except Dallas, were outraged.

Now the photos of the woman he assaulted last year have been made public. People everywhere are even further outraged. Hardy's peers, across the league, are openly condemning him. On ESPN's “NFL Countdown” show that aired on November 8^th, reporter Wendi Nix went on the attack (see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/wendi-nix-greg-hardy_563f87ede4b0411d307161a3). One of the comments that she made really infuriated me, and it made me think about a lot of the commentary and rhetoric being thrown around by all the experts. The statement was that people didn't need to see the pictures to know what happened.

BULLSHIT. People are acting like Ray Rice and Greg Hardy are the first and second pro football players to ever hit their girlfriends. The conversation went on to say that Hardy should have had to earn the second chance he was given by the Cowboys. Show some regret, contrition. Show that he's changed his ways. BULLSHIT. Ray Rice did all the things that people say Hardy should have done in order to get a second chance. Where is Rice's second chance? He came out immediately very apologetic, taking full responsibility for his actions, pursuing anger management counseling, etc. It wasn't enough. But then again, he was approaching the end of his career, with his best days behind him. In comparison, Greg Hardy is 27 years old and in his prime. If Rice had a few good, dominating years on the field left in him, you'd see him in someone's uniform.

The truth of the matter is that the NFL is not outraged by the violence. If they were, incidents like Janay Rice and the cocktail waitress who had the snot kicked out of her by Hardy wouldn't have been needed in order to exact change. The only reason that the NFL is taking a hard stand against domestic violence is because the videos and the pictures were public, and it's the public who is demanding the outrage.

And so to all those who are acting so shocked and horrified at Greg Hardy and are sitting in judgment of him, I say this: Get off your high horse and stop being such hypocrites. Unless and until every person involved in the NFL, from coaches and owners and players to journalists and talking heads, current and former and future, unless and until a TRUE Zero Tolerance policy is embraced, you are a part of the problem.  

Obamacare... Next Steps

Obamacare transformed the landscape of the health insurance market for individuals. It also set standards for required/mandated services that all health plans (individual and group) must cover. The demand for full-coverage preventive care services is very women-centric and, to be honest, needs to be updated to include additional coverage for men's health services. In addition, the Unites States Preventive Services Task Force, the agency that sets the parameters for the preventive services that are covered, needs to consider additional variables. For example, for screening colonoscopies, the age parameters are set to allow beginning at age 50. However, African Americans are at a higher risk, and should be allowed to begin screening at age 45.

But simply making insurance more available to individuals is not enough. First and foremost, Obamacare is slang for the Affordable Care Act. Yet, for many, the individual plans are not affordable at all. A single person living in NYC, making $50,000 a year, does not qualify for a subsidy. He or she has to absorb the full cost of their health plan.

Looking at one of the bigger insurance carriers offering insurance in the NYC area (Empire BlueCross BlueShield), the cheapest plan offered has a monthly price tag of $435.20 per month, a deductible of $5,850.00 and an out-of-pocket maximum of $6,850.00 per year. What this means is that if you are single and need to actually use your insurance, you can expect to pay up to $12,072.40 for health services each year, with NO financial assistance. Over 20% of your gross salary. And if you're single in NYC, you can expect to lose at least 28% of your paycheck to taxes.

So... your $50,000 income feels more like $36,000, which means that $12,000 for insurance and healthcare services is actually more like 1/3 of your income. And you haven't paid a penny in rent, or utilities, or food or clothing or your Metrocard.

On top of that, Empire has many different network options, however all of their ACA plans are linked exclusively to their Pathways network. Pathways includes a fraction of the number of providers that their more robust PPO networks offer. The reimbursement to Pathways providers is so low that the majority of doctors and hospitals will not join. So I can't help but wonder why a plan that pays its providers so little AND has such a high deductible is also so ridiculously overpriced?

It's not just Empire though. Most insurance carriers have various network options for providers. Joining one network does not mean that the provider is in-network for all of their products. And for all carriers, those who are purchasing insurance off of the exchange (Obamacare plans), are stuck with very narrow networks of providers. And to make things even more difficult for consumers, ALL marketplace plans are either HMO plans or EPO plans, which means that there are NO out-of-network benefits.

And for those of us who are lucky enough to have employer-provided health insurance, we're not safe from these issues either. Insurance has always been divided into 3 groups: large group (50+), small group (2-50) and individual. Large groups are being redefined as groups of 100 enrollees or more. Small group is now considered 2-100 enrollees. Many of the small group plans offered are very similar to the individual plans, meaning no out-of-network benefits and the narrow networks.

It is my belief that as long as health insurance is part of the for-profit industry, HEALTH is not a major consideration, and we the consumers will always be on the losing end. Profits will continue to be the driving force and people will continue to be a second thought. There needs to be sweeping changes to the healthcare industry as a whole. Not just to insurance companies, but to pharmaceutical companies and to healthcare providers as well. Each carrier has ONE network. Either a doctor/hospital/provider is in or out. And reimbursement should be based on Medicare/Medicaid rates. It is ridiculous for the federal government to assign a fiduciary value to a service, yet allow providers to bill 20, 30 or more times that value to commercial insurers and to private pay patients. And we as consumers need to be more invested and involved in our WELLNESS rather than seeking out care only when we're sick. There has to be a concerted effort on all fronts, but we can fix this healthcare industry crisis.  

Get OUT

There was a time when sports reporting was a Man's world. Whether the athletes being covered were male or female, team sports or individuals, the reporters were men and the people running the video cameras were men. Back in those days, interviews were routinely conducted in the men's locker rooms as well as organized press conferences. Women athletes were interviewed exclusively in a press conference setting.

As women have made significant progress in the world of sports reporting (though we have a long way to go!), there has been ongoing controversy regarding women's presence in men's locker rooms. The men are in various degrees of undress, going to and coming from the showers, getting dressed. Some of the men purposely use varying degrees of their own nudity to try to intimidate, humiliate and otherwise harass women reporters. Sports Illustrated recently ran an in-depth article regarding the sexual harassment female reporters have to deal with on a daily basis (SI article). 

Following the Cincinnati Bengals game on 10/18/15, the NFL Network was interviewing a defensive player (Adam Jones) and "inadvertently" showed several players, naked. Teammate Andrew Whitworth is speaking out, saying 'You can’t judge us off who we will and won’t accept into our locker room and then say all these things we have to do, but then also put us in a situation where every single day I have to change clothes and be naked or not in front of media. It’s just not right. There’s no office, there’s no other situation in America where you have to do that. It’s dated, it’s old and it needs to change.' 

On the one hand, it's a little bit like the pot calling the kettle black. After using the very tool that was so effective in marginalizing female reporters for so long, they are now claiming to be victims of their own creations. Be that as it may, Mr. Whitworth is right.

Can you imagine the outcry (rightly so) if reporters bombarded the locker room of the USA's female soccer team, or the locker room of a WNBA team? Asking questions as a dozen or so women walked around naked, or wrapped in a towel? It IS ridiculous. And a problem that is easily solved.

There is no reason for immediate, post-game locker room interviews. 99% of the questions asked in those interviews are stupid anyways. I mean really.... asking a player how he feels after blowing a lead and losing a game. Is anyone really surprised that he is upset? I mean, come on. 

There's really no reason that a press conference setting cannot be used to field any questions. Of course with "big team" sports, like football, it's ridiculous to think that +60 players and coaches would wait around for their turn, so have a separate receiving room that players and coaches walk through, after they've showered, to meet the press before leaving the arena. The star players, the ones who make the plays and the leaders of the team, they already give press conferences anyway. There really is no reason, whatsoever, to have reporters and cameras in the locker rooms of male or female athletes.

Another NBA Player Accused of Rape

We've all seen the headlines. Chicago Bulls superstar Derrick Rose is being accused by an ex-girlfriend of drugging her and in tandem with 2 friends, gang raping her. And there's public reaction, of course, in which people are jumping to Rose's defense because the alleged incident happened so long ago, and the woman is just a trick trying to get paid.The public reaction has me feeling some kind of way.

Let me say this:  I BELIEVE THIS WOMAN. I am choosing, going forward, to believe ALL women who report being assaulted. When the Bill Cosby scandal started coming to light, I questioned the motives of all of those women, waiting so long, etc. And look how that turned out. I myself have a history. How can I not believe these women? I was wrong to question them, and I have vowed not to make that same mistake. I believe her.

BUT... at the same time, women who are attacked, assaulted, raped... if we want to stop being called liars who are just after money, we have to stop going after money. This woman, who alleges that she was drugged and gang raped 2 years ago, is pursuing a civil case against Derrick Rose. She states she did not come forward at the time of the incident before because she was ashamed, embarrassed, and was afraid at how her conservative family might react. All very understandable. We as a society tend to not believe a victim when she accuses Joe Q. Public. When the accusation is leveled at a celebrity... she has to be a liar! And even when we acquiesce that an assault occurred, we blame the victim for her attack.

If I am being honest, though, where I have an issue is with her decision to pursue a civil suit (i.e., money) without filing criminal charges and pursuing a criminal case (i.e., justice). The statute of limitations for forcible rape, in California, is 6 years. Since the incident occurred 2 years ago, she’s well within the time frame to report and file. She says that a friend helped her escape Rose’s house, where he and his friends initially tried to assault her. This friend is a corroborating witness. I understand that rape cases, under the best of circumstances, are difficult to prosecute. But just because it’s hard, does that mean we don’t even try? My reaction would be different if she tried to pursue justice, was denied, and her only option is to proceed civilly. It's bypassing justice and going directly down the money path that makes me uneasy.

Instead, she’s filed a civil case against an NBA star with boatloads of money. When they reach an out-of-court settlement, she will have money and he will move on with his life. No criminal settlement on his part where, if he’s guilty, he will have a criminal record and most importantly, have to register as a sex offender. This will get swept under the rug as another whore who got paid for sex.

And on the opposite side of the issue... what if Rose really is innocent of these charges? What if she's a bitter ex who's trying to exact a little revenge for being dumped? What if she liked the lifestyle of being Rose's girlfriend and is trying to get a piece of that back? When Rose settles this suit, we will, as we always do, assume that the settlement is an admission of guilt.

So I'm fat. Now what?

Let me start this by saying two simple words. I'm fat. And let me also share that in many ways, I am sick of seeing all the articles and commentary and debate over fat shaming and body positivity. But mostly, I am sad that these discussions are still even necessary. But they are, and whether I want them to nor not, every single time I see a tweet or blog or magazine feature or Facebook post.... and every time I hear the comments that are directed at me (sometimes on purpose, sometimes when they think I can't hear them) or at someone else.... it affects me.

I learned long, long ago to put on a brave face in public. Sometimes it helped me, sometimes it led to more pain. See, I have been fat my entire life. I was born a “big” baby and have been a big girl for every single day of my life. I remember seeing our family doctor when I was approaching puberty, and him telling me that I had such a pretty face but no boys were going to like me if I was fat. I remember the mean girls in elementary and junior high and high school, who would pretend to be my friend so that I would tell them which boys I had a crush on. They would turn around and tell the boys and they'd all have a great laugh at my expense. I remember some of the boys I had crushes on, who actually were friendly with me, but just as friends. No one wanted to be the guy dating the fat girl.

Growing up, before bullying became something that people took seriously, I was bullied. “Fatty, fatty two-by-four, can't fit through the kitchen door. Fatty, fatty two-by-eight, can't fit through the garden gate.” was a daily song the kids would sing on the playground. In gym class, when we had to run laps, kids shaking and pretending that by running, I was causing an earthquake. I remember every last detail of these, and countless other, similar experiences.

I am far from being the only fat kid to have gone through it. Some used the abuse as a springboard to lose weight and become thin, so that kids stopped picking on them. My way of dealing with it was to pretend that I didn't hear the comments, and that none of the teasing bothered me. I laughed it off. And I withdrew from people. I learned to be by myself. I internalized everything and yes, continued to find comfort in food. Food was... food IS.... my ultimate frenemy. It is my addiction and it is my struggle, but it also doesn't judge me. It doesn't make me feel like I am stupid or worthless or ugly.

I have been “dieting” my whole life, with little if any success. I put quotations around the word dieting because the truth of the matter is that much of the time, I am putting no real effort into it on a consistent basis. Hence the lack of success. But I still feel compelled that, if offered a cookie or a snack of any kind, that I should decline because “I'm watching what I eat.” It's expected. If I was to actually EAT anything that could be judged as inappropriate due to my size, it's having to deal with the disgusted looks, judgments and comments all over again. Instead, behind closed doors, when no one can see me or judge me, instead of eating that one cookie that I was offered, that I really wanted, in private, I eat 5 cookies. And then I chastise myself for being a fat, undisciplined pig. Why can't I just not eat that shit? It's a vicious circle, a hateful game that I play with myself. And I always lose.

So........... what's the point of this? What prompted me to write this? Recently, I read an article about Tess Holliday, a plus size model, and some of the hateful reaction to her. And all sorts of memories came flooding back to me. A lifetime's worth. The article I am specifically speaking of can be found here: http://mic.com/articles/122279/the-comments-on-this-plus-size-model-s-facebook-show-exactly-why-we-need-body-positivity

In the world of fashion and modeling, “plus size” often is used to describe women who are a size 8, 10, or 12. The truth is, true plus size clothing stores START at a size 16/18. Tess is a true plus size model, clocking in as a size 22. She has cellulite, visible in her pics. She has rolls. She has a panniculus. She is fat. But, unlike me, she is confident with her looks. She sees her own beauty. She embraces happiness. I say unlike me because I still feel like that 12 year old girl who has a pretty face, but that no one will like because I'm fat. I know I have a pretty face, but I am certainly not beautiful. I have happy moments, but I don't remember the last time I was truly, completely happy. I simply don't feel like I deserve happiness. I am too much of a failure to be happy. I can fake it most of the time, look at the pieces of happiness I allow myself on occasion, and cling to those. But I'm not happy.

I sometimes wish everyone had to be fat for a week, if for no other reason, than for perspective. To someone who's never struggled with their weight... do you have any idea how much energy and effort simple things actually take? You see me climb a couple of flights of stairs, breathing heavy afterwards, and judge me for not being able to climb without trouble. Strap a couple hundred pounds on your back, and see how easy it is. Carry the weight around and see how your back feels... how your hips and knees and ankles feel. Is this a fate of my own making? Yes, of course it is... but do you actually think that I don't know that? You don't think I feel all of the shame and guilt that you think I should? I do. I realize it in every second of every minute of every day. And for that very reason, I would never wish my reality on anyone.

On the other side of the spectrum, there are those who try to show compassion and really make effort to see fat people as people. They are the ones who say that what matters is the person, not the body. That everyone is beautiful. People like J.K. Rowling, who's quote has been circulated as a meme countless times. You've seen it, I'm sure: “Is fat really the worst thing a human being can be? Is fat worse than vindictive, jealous, shallow, vain, boring, evil, or cruel? Not to me!” People who, when incidents like the reaction to Tess, or the comments that were made a few years back about Jennifer Livingston, a newscaster at a small Wisconsin TV station (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUOpqd0rQSo), express their outrage and how it's what's on the inside that counts.

But let me point out a few things that fat haters like to point out, as if we who are fat were unaware.

Being fat (not the size 8 or 10 kind of fat, but FAT) is unhealthy. Yes, this I know. I actually know it more acutely that you do, because I am the one that's fat. I am the one that has to stop to catch my breath if I'm going up more than 2 flights of stairs. I am the one that feels the ache in my bones and joints when I bend over or squat down or get up out of a chair or out of bed in the morning.

But I ask you... by being cruel to me, or to anyone else struggling with their weight, do you actually think you're helping? In your twisted sense of reality, do you think your cruelty is motivating us to make lifestyle changes? You're not. YOU ARE NOT. YOU are making it worse. You don't have to like me or befriend me or offer anything that you think might be “supporting” my unhealthy lifestyle. Maybe you could just leave me alone.

Being fat is not physically attractive. Maybe not to you. Everyone has their own preferences. So you don't want to fuck me. That's ok. Maybe I don't want to fuck you either. But does that mean that I am not worthy of some basic human compassion? Does that mean you can't be civil to me? Even friendly? Would it be so hard to just be kind to me because I am a living, breathing human being?

If you read the article in the link above, about Tess Holliday, I draw your attention to the guy who's comment was “not really contributing to the discussion. Just wanted to state how much she turns me off”. In other words, he's commenting for no reason other than to be mean, hateful and try to hurt her feelings. Nice job. Yet we have had to deal with ASSHOLES like this our whole lives: people who purposely want to make us feel bad for no other reason than to make us feel bad. I have learned to pretend not to hear these kinds of assholes. I keep a stone face, make no acknowledgment whatsoever. I refuse to give assholes like this the satisfaction. And even they don't get to “win”, neither do I. Many times, because they aren't getting the reaction that they want, they keep going. Comments get more and more cruel and hateful. And about 95% of the time, once I am alone, I do break down. I might be fat, but I have feelings.

And sadly, those words, those insults... they stay with us for a long time... years... sometimes forever. That old saying that we used to say when we were kids was wrong: Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. We often wave off the words that hurt us because we wouldn't want the people who are making us feel bad about ourselves, feel bad about themselves. So we say it doesn't matter, it doesn't hurt, it's no big deal. But, the truth is that the broken bones we got from the sticks and stones will heal. The bruises will fade. We know when we've healed from physical injuries. The injuries inflicted by words stay with us much, much longer. Those hateful voices stay inside of our head. Every time I fail at a diet, I hear them again. When I want to be able to jog in the park, but I can't, I hear them. And every time I hear those words and voices, even though they're in my head, they rip off the scab and my wound is fresh.

At the end of the day, my words aren't going to change the world. People who don't know me, make no attempt to get to know me, but hate me on sight due to my size are not going to wake up one day and magically discover a shred of basic human decency. So why write this? Selfishly, for myself. To remind myself that it's the asshole haters who are the problem. To tell myself that just like Tess, there IS beauty within me. To quiet the negative voices, and let my voice drown them out, as I tell myself that I AM WORTHY. And to retrain myself to be kinder, gentler, and more accepting not only of myself, but everyone around me. Whatever their imperfection may be, I write this to remind myself that is in our differences and our imperfections that character and acceptance live.

The Irrelevancy of Donald Trump

Let me preface this by saying that I do not agree with anything that Donald J. Trump says, nor do I support him in his bid for the Republican nomination for President of the United States in the upcoming 2016 election. When he first announced that he was throwing his hat into the ring to seek the nomination, I laughed. Certainly no one would take him seriously! And then he made those comments, calling Mexicans a bunch of drug dealers, rapists and murderers. Well, certainly that would seal his fate, and his bid for the nomination would be over before it started... right?

WRONG! Somehow, someway, he has risen to the top of the lot for the GOP nomination. Now, we are about a year away from the Republican National Convention and the official decision on who will ultimately run on the ticket for President. And the leading hopeful will likely change a dozen times or more between now and then. But how is this guy even relevant?

Personally, to me, he is the personification of what ails our nation. He is a greedy, entitled, pompous ass who inherited his fortune. He is not the self-made success he claims to be. It was his father, Fred, who was the true real estate tycoon. But even he, Fred, had to rely on government funding programs to make his fortune. It was money from the Federal Housing Administration that allowed Fred Trump to revive his failing real estate business of building homes during the Depression. As the US entered into WWII, he received government contracts to build FHA-backed housing units for US Naval personnel.

So, with Daddy's money, Donald Trump received a world class education and took the helm of Daddy's company in 1974. But by 1990, he was in financial trouble. It was a BAIL OUT that saved him. The banks that backed his ventures gave him a $65 million rescue package that was pretty much squandered. Less than a year after the bail out, he was nearly $4 billion in debt. Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. has declared bankruptcy three times. The Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City also declared bankruptcy. It was slated to close in 2014, but Trump received yet another bail out to keep it open through at least the end of 2015.

But back to the matter at hand... HOW did this jackass become relevant? I think it's because even though his words are hateful and stupid, he's being honest. For him. Whether you agree with him or not, he's not giving us the usual rhetoric that politicians give us. That people in general give us. Most folks, whether they aspire to a political office or not, have to choose their words carefully. They have to be careful to not offend this group or that, and make sure whatever they're saying is vague enough that they can waffle back and forth on really important issues, depending on what the need of the moment is. Donald Trump doesn't do that. He gives us his opinions straight up, with no apologies.

It's actually a little refreshing. There's no mistaking what side of an issue he is on, whatever the issue is. He beats us over the head with his opinions. As disgusting as they may be.

And yes, he's the favorite at the moment, but it won't last. The truth of the matter is that whether it's the Republicans or Democrats, the person that will ultimately get the nomination is the person that they believe will have the best chance to win. And that's just not Donald Trump. He alienates too many people. 

It can happen to YOU too!

So a few weeks ago, I got into a debate with a very good friend of mine, who happens to be a gay man, over police brutality, the Black Lives Matter movement, and my position of being on the side of the people. I listened closely to his argument that this is an increasingly fucked up world. Police are on the front lines, not knowing what kind of situation they’re walking into and that we the people need to be more aware of that. We the people need to not do anything that would make the police concerned for their, and others around them, lives. He argued that hindsight is 20/20, and that we need to be more willing to put ourselves into the police’s shoes in the moment of the crisis.

All very valid points. I mean, this IS a fucked up world. Don’t believe me? Listen to one news broadcast or read one newspaper. Kidnappings, rapes, assaults, robberies. Violence has become our way of life. And yes, people still overwhelmingly believe that in moments of crisis, call the police.

But I counter-argued that unarmed kids like Mike Brown had his hands up, and was shot anyway. Tamir Rice was killed within seconds of police arrival. The deaths, no… the MURDERS, that have people enraged and protesting have unacceptable similarities: there is no weapon in the dead citizen’s hands, the dead citizen is disproportionately Black, and there is NO ACCOUNTABILITY for their murderers.

As a white woman, I will never know what it’s like to be a Black Man. I will never understand how it feels to be a Black Woman. I will never know how it feels to have this intrinsic feeling that just by existing, I am predisposed to being followed, suspicious, or having people follow me around in the store because they’re sure I am going to steal something. When I go down into the subway with a backpack on my back, I don’t get nervous when I see police with tables set up, fearful that they are going to target me because of the color of my skin. I don’t have to counsel my nephews about how to act, what to say and what to do if they are stopped by police walking down the street with their friends. And although I will never know what that’s like, because all these things are realities for Black men and women every day of their lives, I can try to identify by imagining what it’s like; by listening to their testimony of incidents they have lived through; and my opening my eyes and being aware of what’s happening around me.

So I counter-argued to my friend that one of the things he was not taking into account was that growing up, we learned about Officer Friendly, the cop who was there to protect us. We learned that police were our friends, that we could trust them, and that they wouldn’t harm us. Officer Friendly is not who Black children meet. They meet Officer Enemy. Officer Enemy is called to help, but when he arrives, assaults, beats, and arrests the person he was called to help. It’s a very different relationship, and both sides see the other as enemy.

My next question to him, he says, hurt him. I asked him to consider how he would feel if dead body after dead body of the unarmed citizens, instead of being Black boys and men, belonged to LGBTQ individuals, and that they were targeted because of their orientation/identification the way Black men and boys were targeted because of the color of their skin. He was offended by my question, saying being gay has nothing to do with it. He is a person first and foremost, after all.

That my friend, I replied, is my point. You want the world to see you as a Man. Not as a gay Man. But as a human being. Because you’re white, you get your wish. People can’t look at you and see your sexual orientation. But how many people change the way they speak to you, how they deal with you, once they find out you’re gay as compared to when they thought you were straight? How many times have you heard “Hey, you’re all right for a gay guy”? That’s just one more luxury that Black boys, girls, men and women don’t have. They are seen for their skin first, and everything else second.

He dismissed my argument in its entirety, which is his right. I have not wavered in my position, and so far, neither has he. But when I shared this article with him (http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20150629/west-village/gay-activists-zero-on-police-encounters-as-next-step-rights-fight), pointing out that unfair treatment by police is identified as a next step in achieving equality for the LGBTQ segments of society, and reminded him of our past conversation, I received silence in response.

In the end, I say this: no one is obligated to share my views and opinions on anything. All I ask is that when deciding how YOU feel about someone or something; try to find a way to relate to the opposition before dismissing them. It’s easy to dismiss something we do not understand, or do not relate to. It doesn’t mean we can’t find common ground, or that we cannot empathize. In a split second, the whole shit can change and we can find ourselves as the outsiders. Wouldn’t we want people to stand up for us and our rights too?

Protesters are NOT the problem

There are many people who are condemning the protesters in Baltimore for their behavior, citing violent outbursts with police, looting, and destruction of private and commercial property. The criticism seems reasonable, right? Well... let's look at the BIG picture.  

This all started in Baltimore due to unanswered questions of how a 25 year old Black man named Freddie Gray died in police custody after being arrested for possession of a switchblade. Police disarmed him and placed him under arrest. The arrest was, per Officer Garrett Miller of the Baltimore PD, "without force or incident". However, within one hour of his arrest, Mr. Gray was in the hospital, in a coma, with 3 broken vertebrae, a crushed larynx, and a spinal code that was 80% severed at the neck. Within a week, Mr. Gray succumbed to his injuries and died. 

Police have admitted that there was a failure on at least 3 occasions to get Mr. Gray medical attention. 3 chances. In less than an hour. Yet there is still no explanation from police, when the arrest was without force and without incident, how this man sustained life-ending injuries.  

OK so fast forward to events as they are unraveling. Mr. Gray's family has been joined by the community to protest and demand answers and justice. Though the protests started out mostly peaceful, there has been a spattering of confrontations between the police and protesters, some looting, and some property destruction. Today, the violence has escalated. People.... mostly white folks... have jumped on these protesters, condemning them for their violence. They conveniently declare that ALL lives matter... Black, White, and Blue (police)... all. Though it should be noted that most of these folks have never once spoken up about the Black and Brown lives lost at the hands of police, and how those lives mattered. But I digress. 

These same people thump their chests and declare their love for America, and how these protesters are turning our great country into a nation "no better than the Middle East". Really? Let's consider this. 

How exactly was this country founded? Ah yes... the British sent over some settlers to STEAL the land from Native Americans and establish the 13 colonies for the British Empire. When the colonists got tired of taxation without representation, they revolted. So after slaughtering the Native Americans, stealing and raping their lands, we fought for independence from Britain. HOORAY! Freedom! And in our Declaration of Independence, we declared that ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL! 

Well... not ALL men. Certainly not men that weren't White. Certainly not those pesky Native Americans, and absolutely not Black men! Black men, and women, and children, were property. Owned, just like a dress or a horse or furniture or any other inanimate object. But not only were they non-human property, they were slaves. I can't even begin to describe what slave life was like. Films like Roots, 12 Years a Slave, Glory, Amistad... they gave a glimpse into the life, but it was so much worse than it could ever be portrayed. The violence that was a common part of their lives... whippings, rape, lynching, being attacked and ripped apart by dogs, the fights to the death between Black men for the entertainment of the slave owners...  the list of violent assaults goes on and on.

And, Lord we were not ready or willing to give up that ownership and domination over Black lives. We declared war on ourselves in order to try to hang onto that ownership. Families torn apart, a country that is still, to this day, split over this issue. Down south, they still fly that Confederate Flag. To this day, men and women all over the nation are hunted and killed for no reason other than the color of their skin. Emmitt Till, Medgar Evers, Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X... Mike Brown, Trayvon Martin, Oscar Grant, Tamir Rice, Akai Gurley, Kajieme Powell, Ezell Ford, Eric Garner, Yvette Smith, Jordan Baker, Miriam Carey, Jonathan Ferrell, Kimani Gray, Rekia Boyd. I could go on and on and on, but I think you get my point.  

So, even after the Civil War, when slaves were freed, they still weren't really free. Every step forward was a struggle. The Ku Klux Klan, Jim Crow laws, segregation. Every single right that Blacks "got" was a long, hard, bloody battle. For every Medgar Evers or Martin Luther King Jr. that famously lost their lives, there are dozens... maybe even hundreds of nameless, faceless men and women who lost their lives for the Cause.  And despite all the struggles, the sit-ins, the marches, the blood and sweat and tears, the deaths that were in the name of the Cause, the Supreme Court of the United States has repealed important pieces of the Voting Rights Act. We are going backwards, my friends. Backwards.  

So let's come back to what's happening in Baltimore right now. Mr. Gray is the latest in a long line of Black and Brown lives lost at the hands of "law enforcement" where there is no justice. Sure the police department is investigating itself. During the investigation, all officers involved are on paid leave. I am sure we all know what's going to happen. These naughty cops should have gotten Mr. Gray to the hospital sooner, but there was "no" wrongdoing outside of that. There were "no" improprieties in how Mr. Gray got those broken vertebrae or severed spine. They "just happened" and probably will somehow be found to have been self-inflicted.  

I pose the following questions to every person condemning the protesters: what if police or people protected by police, for hundreds of years, had killed your friends, family members, people who looked like you and never had to answer for it. Few indictments, fewer convictions. Peacefully assembling, protesting, demanding accountability and justice for a young man who suffered a horrific, painful death. Being met by those same killer police armed to the hilt and in riot gear. Peace met with force. Is it really so surprising that people have reached the breaking point? I do not condone the violence.... but I do understand. 

As for the shock and horror of what "these protesters" are turning the country into. My God, how incredibly stupid are we? We are not the land of the free or the home of the brave. We are the land of capitalism and the home of violence. We were founded on violence. The land was stolen from Native Americans and was built on the backs of slaves. We release our armed forces not because there are grave wrongs being perpetrated against the peoples of other nations, but because we have some vested interest, be it placing a puppet government that we can control from afar, or oil, or some other natural resource. We are not the Righter of Wrongs. We are greed. IF we as a nation were so worried about what was right and wrong, we wouldn't have people living on the streets, digging through dumpsters for food, sleeping on grates in the dead of winter trying not to freeze to death. We certainly wouldn't allow our Veterans, who fought for this country, to be relegated to such circumstances.  

No, we are so blindly and stupidly "patriotic". Whatever we do is right. The rest of the world is wrong. Those who use terrorism to fight the American Ideals are evil. We are righteous. Ok, so civilian lives are lost "over there". After so many hundreds of years of being programmed to hate us, there's really no hope for them anyway. We're actually doing them a favor by killing them. Right?

So we torture people who we think could be terrorists. We're saving American lives so it's ok. Right? We are a nation of patriots who live by the credo of "Do what we say, not what we do" and "The rules don't apply to us".  

Those terrorists "over there" are driven by hate. Why can't they be more like us? We're so perfect! Except, you know, we still don't see Black people as being equal, some of us don't see them as human at all. We hate all those gays who are trying to ruin our family values by wanting equal recognition of their love. Those people want to marry and have families? Hell no! And we don't really see women as equals either. Really, the world is all about White men and protecting their power and privilege. If everyone else would just recognize and accept that, everything would be perfect! Right? Can we really be so ignorant?

So, at the end of it all, I believe in personal choice and freedoms. Though I cannot understand anyone who takes the position that protesters across the country who assemble in peace are the cause of the shitstorm that is raging across this country, I believe they have the right to hold that opinion. But please do not defend your position by citing the moral high ground of our nation or the police force, because that just simply doesn't exist. OWN your racism and your own personal privilege. If you can't, well, that should speak volumes to you. It certainly does to me.