I deserve!

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I don't think I've ever been the normal size for a girl my age. I was shopping for school clothes in the Women's section when I was maybe 10 years old. Back then, fashion options for plus size women was awful. It was either all black, or the clothes had these big, splashy flower prints. It was so clear to the world, by what I wore, that I wasn't shopping in the same stores. As I grew older, there was some "progress" in the clothes that were available but I still never wore anything that was trendy for pre-teens and teenagers because those clothes just weren't available in my size.

So like most of my brothers and sisters who have struggled with their weight, I have been on diets my entire life. Some have been more successful than others, but any such success was short-lived at best. No matter how much weight I may have lost during any such efforts, I always gained it back. Whatever I lost and then some.

So, when I was trying to lose the weight, people would be supportive and encouraging. Even when I didn't feel any differently, when my clothes still fit the same way, they would be kind and tell me how good I was looking, and how I should keep it up. But for various reasons, I didn't. I stopped watching what I ate, sat around being inactive, and all the lost weight was found. Not once, when that was happening, did anyone ever take a moment to ask me what was happening that made me stop trying to get healthy and revert to bad behavior. I mean, obviously people who cared about me wouldn't humiliate me by saying something cruel like "Hey chubbo, I see you're plumping up again!" but certainly they could see the weight coming back on! Couldn't anyone pull me to the side and ask why I was throwing all of my hard work away? Why was I punishing myself with overeating again, and eating all the wrong food? Why did I feel the need to receive love and acceptance from ice cream, pizza, Doritos and chocolate instead of receiving affection from the people who were around me?

But we are not a society that knows how to constructively confront uncomfortable truths. We don't know how to receive concern. We want, perhaps even need, the perception of perfection that the recognition of imperfection sends us spiraling into self-hate, self-abuse, and negativity. The self-awareness that my success had been surrendered did not prompt me to stop the cycle and return to better care for myself. Instead, I punished myself by eating more and moving less, gaining back all the lost weight plus. I stopped believing that I deserved love, health, acceptance and happiness.

And now, well into my 40s, I am finally realizing that despite all the failed attempts, mistakes and bad decisions, I most definitely deserve all these things and more. It may take the rest of my days, and I may stumble and fall countless times along the way, but I will never stop trying to find all the positive things in this life that we ALL deserve.